America looks hard for health care

Gopp Medical Group, this is Jenny. How may I direct your call?

Yes, my name is America, and I was a patient with your practice a while back. I haven’t been in for some time now but my back is starting to hurt again and I just wanted to see if the medicine I was taking before …

One moment, please, I’ll transfer you.

Recorded voice: We want you to know how much your call means to us and we’re working to give you the personal attention you deserve.

Hold music (Janis Joplin): Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose, nothing …

Appointments desk, this is Erin.

Uh, yes, I’m not sure if I need an appointment or not. My lower back is stiffening up on me like it was last year, and I wondered if Dr. Gopp could give me the same prescription that …

Who put you through to this extension?

I think her name was … Jenny, maybe?

We need to stop her on this. If I’m able to keep her from transferring these calls back here, it will lead to her humiliating devastation. It will break her. Break her, I tell you.

Excuse me?

Just a minute, sir. I’ll transfer you.

Recorded voice: Your call is starting to mean a little bit less to us. In fact, it’s starting to cost us money. Remember, the primary way we can help reduce health care costs is to not use them. Thank you.

Hold music (Abba): Waterloo, couldn’t escape if you wanted to. Waterloo, knowing your fate is to be with you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa … Waterloo, finally facing your …

Nurse’s station, how can I help you?

Yes. This is America calling and I was trying to get some help for my back. I’ve been putting a lot of strain on my spine recently and it’s starting to bother me.

Sir, you’re conducting a dangerous experiment with your health care. It’s a reckless experiment. You want to ram some relief through in the next two weeks, but this is an ill-conceived attempt to experiment and all of us should be scared to death. Slow down.

What? Two weeks? I just thought maybe Dr. Gopp could call in a prescription for me.

Mr. America, do you have health insurance? What sort of plan do you have?

Uh, I’m on Medicare, and it’s never been a problem before with your office. I really just wanted to ask a question about …

Medicare, huh? That’s socialism! Next question.

Next question? Well, I guess maybe I better come in and talk to the doctor himself.

Just a second, I’ll transfer you.

Recorded voice: Okay, now you’re really starting to get on our nerves. You’ve made it past the first two barriers, and now we’re scrambling to cover the phones. In the future, please consider chants and poultices as alternatives to modern health care. Thank you.

(Hold music) Rage Against the Machine: I got nothin’ to lose ‘cause I’m goin’ for the steel. Black steel in the hour of chaos…

Appointments desk, how can I help you?

Yeah, what’s with your ‘hold’ music? I thought it was supposed to soothe people while they waited. That was some pretty aggressive rap on that last segment.

Well if you think that’s bad, just wait until the country sees what Nancy Pelosi and Ted Kennedy are planning to do with your healthcare. Let me fax you this flowchart that shows the web of bureaucracy.

I … I don’t need any flowchart. I just wanted a doctor to help me with this pain. Who are those new doctors you mentioned? Dr. Kennedy? Would he be able to see me this afternoon?

Sure, you can see Kennedy. He’s working hard to make health care worse for the millions who already have insurance.

I’m sure he’s working very hard but I’ve been a patient with your practice for a long time. Could I just come down to the office and wait to be squeezed in?

Sir, I’m going to put you on hold again and you might want to sit down this time, because it’s going be quite a while before we can get to you.

But I …

Please hold, sir.

Recorded message: Alright, that’s it. Now you’ve definitely made us not only angry, but vengeful as well. Should you actually make it in to see a doctor, we will be misdiagnosing your condition. Thank you for your understanding.

(Hold music) Chicago: I’ve been searching so long, to find an answer …

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2 Responses to “America looks hard for health care”

  1. merrilymarylee Says:

    My friends and I were discussing recently how our pets seem to get much better personal care than we do.

  2. --Rick Says:

    This is hillarious! Sad and true, but hillarious none the less. 🙂

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