Fake News: Pope giddy with Obama-mania

ROME, Italy (July 12) – Pope Benedict XVI continued to bubble with excitement during Sunday mass celebrated in St. Peter’s Square, calling his meeting last week with President Obama one of the highlights of his reign.

“Gloria in Spiritum Sanctum, Gloria in Deum Patrem omnipotentem,” the pope told thousands of worshippers gathered at the open-air service. “Gloria in the awesomeness of President Obama.”

The Holy Father met with the American president in a 35-minute session in his study at the Vatican Friday. The two attempted to find common ground on several issues where the Catholic Church holds different views than the U.S. government, especially the question of reproductive rights. Obama said he would try to limit the number of abortions and that the procedure should be rare. Benedict said he was “cool with that.”

An aide to the pope had earlier described the discussion between the two men as “respectful,” but Benedict went even further, calling the get-together “pretty freaking exciting, if you ask me.”

Obama was in Italy attending the G8 economic summit and stopped off at the Vatican for a rare Friday audience with God’s other representative of His Kingdom on Earth. Despite disagreements on some sensitive ethical issues, both men agreed that it was important to help the poor, support human rights and limit the spread of nuclear weapons. They also concurred on the tallness and boyish good looks of Obama, and on the appropriate length of the pontiff’s robes.

The two heads of state exchanged gifts in a ritual show of respect for each other and their countries. The pope presented Obama with a Catholic treatise titled Dignitas Personae, which lists the various medical practices opposed by the Church, including the therapeutic use of stem cells, use of the morning-after contraception pill and, inexplicably, face transplants. Benedict said he was unofficially renaming the discourse No You Can’t, in a nod to the president’s campaign slogan “Yes We Can.”

Obama gave the Vicar of Christ an ivory stole with gold, crimson and blue trim that once was draped around the enshrined body of St. John Neumann, America’s first saint. Neumann served as bishop of Philadelphia from 1852 until 1860, was canonized in 1977, and lived down the hall from TV’s “Seinfeld” for seven years in the 1990s. The stole was removed from the saint two years ago when the body was re-dressed, according to U.S. officials.

“Ewww,” said the pope during the presentation, but later amended his comments to reflect his “thanks for the effort.”

“It was draped over a dead guy for a century and a half, but I’m going to concentrate on the fact that Obama touched it last,” said the pontiff. “If he screws up later, I can always get it laundered.”


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5 Responses to “Fake News: Pope giddy with Obama-mania”

  1. Skip Dekades Says:

    I’m feeling the love.

  2. karenlgj Says:

    Dude– could’ve passed as an Onion article. Funny.

  3. duffboy Says:

    I’m guessing Popesy can always hock it on eBay if he’s too grossed out, right?

  4. trailerparkbarbie Says:

    FUNNY STUFF! Thanks…you provided me a much needed laugh. But, ya know, some of that is almost believable..and THAT is the scary thing.

  5. su Says:

    Your article made me laugh. Enjoyed it very much. Keep it up the good work.

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