Palin not the type to quit

Sarah Palin may or may not be the nation’s worst governor. As a resident of South Carolina, I’d be hard-pressed to point fingers at anyone else’s chief executive. Still, it’s hard to deny that she doesn’t seem especially skilled at political timing or the lakeside reading of prepared statements or even the application of proper amounts of blush.

But I don’t think she’s crazy and I don’t think she’s dumb. Her poll numbers among those who already dislike her hardly budged after her recent announcement that she’s resigning as Alaska’s governor, yet they continued to be sky-high among the base of supporters she’d need to secure the 2012 presidential nomination. If she’s crazy, she’s crazy like an arctic fox. If she’s dumb, she’s dumb like … like an elk? An eagle? A salmon? (I’m not sure who or what is considered smart in Alaska.)

I also don’t necessarily think that she’s a bad writer. Commentators nationwide had a field day with what they called the rambling, incoherent and bizarre nature of the lengthy pronouncement she delivered last Friday. CNN contributor Paul Begala even went so far as to complain about her punctuation.

“The text uses 2,549 words and 18 exclamation points. Lincoln freed the slaves with 719 words and nary an exclamation point,” Begala wrote. “Gov. Palin capitalized words at random – whole words like ‘TO,’ ‘HELP,’ and ‘AND.’ She put her son’s name in quotation marks. And I don’t even know what to make of a sentence that reads: ‘*((Gotta put First Things First))*’”.

(I apologize right now if my own punctuation at the end of that previous paragraph was questionable, but I forget the lesson in English class about how to handle two close parens, an asterisk, a close single quote and a close double quote at the end of a sentence. I must’ve been sick that day.)

My own theory as to why her press release drew such scorn has more to do with her typing skills than her writing ability. I’m guessing that when she was a young girl, her parents deliberately steered her away from clerical skills so she wouldn’t be dead-ended in a secretarial position. Instead, they urged her to hone her executive skills by executing moose, bear and other kinds of underlings. She had to attend four different colleges and who knows how many beauty pageants before she found officials willing to accept her handwritten thesis “World Peace: A Paradigm for Decoupling Transnational Incumbency from Armed Intervention.”

This defensive ignorance led to her undoing the other day. However, a careful analysis of some of her word, punctuation and capitalization choices against the typical QUERTY keyboard layout reveals that the declaration she intended to write is a good bit more astute than the version that ended up in print.

For example, those 18 exclamation points were probably attempts to hit the nearby ESC (escape) key, which she believed would deliver her from the fishbowl of public life. The seemingly random capitalization probably occurred when she struck the CAPS LOCK key, an attempt to state her opposition to Congress’ controversial passage of the so-called “cap and trade” emissions control bill. She pointedly avoided the SHIFT key, lest she be seen as just another shifty politician. The occasional asterisk represented the icy precipitation of her beloved Alaska.

She accidentally hit the PAUSE/BREAK key a few times to indicate that she’s only temporarily exiting from her leadership role in the Republican Party. She struck the ARROW UP key to remind her rural constituency of her love for primitive hunting techniques. She depressed the TAB key just because she wanted a diet soft drink, and the HOME key to remind listeners that her first obligation was to her family.

And all the ellipses? … Probably Morse Code warning foreign powers that any attempts to challenge American hegemony during her administration would be met with the dot-dot-dot of automatic weapons fire from invading U.S. troops.

Sarah Palin’s political opponents would be well advised not to underestimate her intellect. Any shortcomings she might exhibit now can be addressed and corrected during her time out of public office. If not, she can always balance the ’12 ticket by naming Mavis Beacon as her running mate.

Our next vice president? Could be!!!

Our next vice president? Could be!!!

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2 Responses to “Palin not the type to quit”

  1. clx42 Says:

    “Instead, they urged her to hone her executive skills by executing moose, bear and other kinds of underlings.”

    You forgot to add “from a helicopter.”

    Good stuff 🙂

  2. GoingLikeSixty Says:

    Just popped in to say “nicely done!”

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