Check this out — it’s got vampires in it

I’ve been doing this blogging thing for ten months now and I’m still not making the fabulous living that I thought was all but guaranteed. I continue to watch the slot on the side of my laptop for the twenties to start spitting out every time I post and, unless there’s a bad jam in there somewhere, it’s just not happening. Maybe that’s what I should’ve expected when the highest perch in the field is inhabited by Perez Hilton.

I’ve decided with the start of July to try a new tack in my pursuit of fame, fortune and prestige beyond my wildest dreams (even wilder than that one with both Hiltons, Perez and Paris). I’ve noticed that there currently seems to be a vibrant market for anything to do with vampires. And since the only other blood-based business plan I can think of involves the sale of plasma, I thought I’d give this angle a try. To ensure even greater probability of profit, I’ll also be working a significant number of product placement references into my story. I don’t have any contracts for this in place yet; I assume the companies you mention just send you a check out of the goodness of their heart.

Allow me to preview my treatment here, and then readers can tell me what they think the best media might be for my narrative. I’m hoping you’ll suggest film, TV or publishing, though I’ll also consider the idea of nailing single-spaced pages to telephone poles.

The setting is current-day America, though if I have to be specific to achieve a certain ambience, I’ll say it’s suburban Idaho. (Fact check: does this even exist?) A 17-year-old girl named Jelle is spellbound by all things “Twilight,” so she heads down to the local Best Buy store to buy a DVD of the movie. While browsing through the aisles, she notices a striking young male employee in the next department. Over his bright blue company shirt, he’s wearing a cape and a cowl, and the oddity of his clothing choice fascinates her. She tries to get his attention but fails at first because this is, after all, Best Buy.

Finally, after she kicks at the locked glass case under the music player display, the young man approaches. His name tag identifies him as “Edward Associate,” and Jelle decides to call him “Ward.” They chat briefly about the merits of the iPod versus the Zune (ultimate choice based on highest corporate bidder) and she works up the nerve to ask him when he gets off. “Every chance I get,” he chuckles with twinkling eyes, then realizes his error and quickly answers “nine.” They agree to meet at a quarter past over at the Wendy’s.

Obviously, she hopes he’s a vampire and hopes his choice of menu items will give her a clue of that possibility. When they arrive together at the counter, she orders the new Sweet & Spicy Asian chicken, available for a limited time only (for reasons that will soon become apparent), and he selects a dollar-menu hamburger. She had hoped he’d order something made with red meat instead, indicating a proclivity for blood, and she can barely contain her disappointment with his choice. Still, they sit and chat for a while, and he seems like a nice enough guy. Turns out he’s originally from Pennsylvania, which she thinks might be one of the Sylvanias with vampires.

After a while, Ward says he needs to get going. Jelle says she’s enjoyed talking and maybe they can get together again some time. Ward says he’s got a dentist appointment the following afternoon, and asks Jelle if she’d like to come along. She agrees to meet him at his house. She knows the area – it’s in a diverse subdivision that has a blend of ranch homes, split-levels, bat caves and eerie mansions, so again she reminds herself to keep her dreams in check.

The next day is bright and warm. As she arrives at the Associates family home, she is ever more certain that he can’t be a Lord of the Night and still be going out to the dentist on a sunny day like this. But when she pulls into his driveway, she spies Ward through the full-length glass door of his home, slathering on a heavy coat of Coppertone sunscreen. He greets her with a friendly kiss on the cheek, and over his shoulder she notices the bottle is labeled SPF 120. Could a high-enough UV protection factor shield a vampire from the light of day? Maybe.

They ride to the dentist in his car, a Chrysler PT Cruiser, which seems like ideal transportation for the Undead. She accompanies him to the waiting room, and overhears the receptionist confirming his insurance plan as Delta Dental and the scheduled procedure as an incisor sharpening, which has a significant deductible but he says go ahead anyway. Jelle turns to the camera and says (or else she thinks to herself in italic if this is a book) “looking good.” She sits and reads a magazine article about Jon and Kate so she can sympathize with the pain he’s surely feeling.

After the procedure, Ward suggests they head over to the local Golden Corral all-you-can-eat buffet for an early dinner. Jelle tells herself this needs to be the time and place to find out for sure if this guy is the vampire she wants him to be. She’s already vested almost 24 hours in this relationship, and she needs to know if it’s going anywhere. They load their plates high with yeast rolls, buttered corn and small, deep-fried spheres. The waitress takes their drink orders: Jelle asked for iced tea, and the ever-enigmatic Ward has a V-8. Jelle excuses herself and heads to the carving station for a thick slab of steak, heavy on the garlic, which she plans on driving into Ward’s heart if he finally reveals himself to her.

About halfway through the meal, both are overcome with Corral-arrhea and head off to their respective restrooms. When Jelle emerges 45 minutes later, Ward is nowhere to be found. She checks the parking lot, which is filled with Chryslers, but none of them are the blood-red model that belonged to her new beau.

Heartbroken (sort of), she pulls out her cell phone and sends him a text message: “s’up? thought you liked men,” though what she really meant to say was “thought you liked me.” A few seconds later comes his response. “AWOOOO” it says, which she interprets to mean “Also Women (hug)(hug)(hug)(hug).”

A little later, he brutally slays her and drinks all her blood.

That’s all I’ve got so far. I know it needs a little fleshing out, maybe a dash of character development and a few more action scenes besides the Golden Corral meal. But it does mention vampires five times, so I think there’s potential here. Soon the income should be flowing to me like an open vein.

If not, please know that I have a fallback plan. I registered yesterday to sell my posts on Amazon’s Kindle, which could bring me as much as thirty cents a pop. Now I just have to figure which port on my laptop dispenses coins.

Tags: culture, entertainment, humor, humour, love, Twilight, vampire