Shoving epidemic in Washington; “quit it!” say officials

WASHINGTON, D.C. (June 22) – FBI officials revealed yesterday they will begin criminal investigations into recent incidents involving top female officials who were thought to have tripped but may in fact have been shoved.

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor fell and broke her ankle at LaGuardia Airport earlier this month, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton shattered her elbow in a tumble last week at a State Department parking garage. Both incidents were at first reported to be accidents, but it’s now suspected that horseplay or hijinks by male colleagues could be to blame.

Investigators became suspicious of a more widespread plot after Senator Olympia Snowe of Maine narrowly avoided a fall over the weekend. She told agents that she discovered fellow Democrat Harry Reid sneaking up behind her on all fours shortly after Sen. Chris Dodd bumped into her in the Capitol dining room. She briefly stumbled before catching her balance and confronting the seven-term senator from Connecticut. A security camera recorded most of the scene.

“Quit it,” Snowe said to Dodd as she fell backward. “Stop being such a moron.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Dodd protested. “I wouldn’t touch you with a ten-foot pole. You’re ugly.”

“Harry, what are you doing back there?” Snowe then said, turning to the Senate majority leader from Nevada.

“What are you talking about?” Reid responded. “I… I was just looking for a quarter that I dropped. I swear.”

Snowe then repeated her demand to “cut it out or I’m going to tell” before both Reid and Dodd ran giggling from the scene.

“We take these threats to the security of government leaders very seriously,” said FBI Special Agent Ronald Murray. “Boisterous childishness like this will not be tolerated. These Congressmen are old enough to know better and if they don’t knock it off, we’re going to report them. It’ll go on their permanent Congressional record.”

Contacted by reporters about the charges, Reid said the alleged incident was “all in fun” and that Maine’s senior senator “needs to lighten up a little. Jeez.” Dodd, who is currently shepherding the Obama Administration’s health insurance reform effort through the Senate, said Snowe was “stuck up and whining like a baby” and that her charges were “totally without merit.”

Dodd added that he wasn’t afraid of the FBI, whom he characterized as “stupid,” but later retracted that charge with the claim that he “thought it was opposite day.”

Meanwhile, the Congressional sergeant-at-arms office said it would be beefing up personal security for House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Maryland Senator Barbara Mikulski and California Senator Dianne Feinstein in the wake of the FBI’s announcement. These three legislators are at particular risk, a spokesperson for that office said, because “everyone knows they’re snobs.”

“They think they’re, like, really cool and stuff,” said the official, who declined to be named. “I’d shove ‘em myself if I weren’t legally charged with upholding the law.”

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8 Responses to “Shoving epidemic in Washington; “quit it!” say officials”

  1. sandysays1 Says:

    I always REALLY enjoy reading your stuff. I just wish we could either cool down the rehtoric or go ahead and split the country. The Divided States of America, I guess it sounds alright. Some of the left-wing blogs I read are unbelievable vicious. Maybe because I’m a right leaning independent they seem scary, but the tone is, “If you don’t agree with me, you deserve to be!” Sandy

  2. therealmotherlode Says:

    Finally….some news reporting that worth reading….
    So glad you’ve got your press pass so you can provide us with these juicy insider tidbits!

  3. delicate flower Says:

    Absolutely wonderful.. I drool over your humor and subject matter…how on earth do you generate this stuff?

    I’ll be thinking about Reid on his hands and knees all day… Great stuff.

  4. Icarus Says:

    Davis, thank you for your comments week after week, I look forward to hearing what you have to say. Keep up the great work, loved the post.

  5. sekanblogger Says:

    You wanna hear sumpin real funny?
    Imagine the same women naked.

  6. Vinnie Says:

    Just think, we are paying these people big bucks to live their foolish lives. Well, I guess the critics a right when it’s said that life just isn’t fair.
    Thanks for your insightful and enjoyable writing! Vinnie

  7. Doctorate Upholder Says:

    both being fellow “hodgmaniacs” would you care to add each other on blogroll?

  8. Skip Dekades Says:

    And if you shove Sen. Barbara Boxer, she’ll call a hearing.

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