Some grand fatherly advice

“You Want My Advice?” is a weekend summer replacement feature of davisw.wordpress.com. I look at questions of ethics, propriety, faith, technology, geopolitics, health, etc., and offer completely inappropriate, irresponsible and possibly even life-threatening advice. In honor of Father’s Day, I’m re-posting some sound words of counsel I received from my grandfather shortly before he passed away. “Need more morphine,” he gasped. “And tell your grandmother that the squirrel who ate her oatmeal that time in 1967 was really your Uncle Ted.” He also offered some good advice about how to navigate through this complicated life, part of which is incorporated below.

Q. Whatever happened to the idea of keeping to the right? Most drivers observe this rule in their cars, but as soon as their feet hit the pavement, all memory of it vanishes. Our sidewalks, airports, grocery stores and shopping malls have become free-for-alls. People have crashed into me with their grocery carts as I made a right turn from one aisle to the next and they are making a left turn on the left side. If people will remember to stay to the right and pass on the left, they’ll see that these important rules of the road make all traffic move more smoothly. – Your Mother’s Busybody Neighbor

A. I couldn’t agree with you more. Perhaps together we can change the world.

There’s really not much difference at all between motor vehicles and what I call “pedestrian vehicles,” also known as “humans.” The windshield is like the eyes, the grill is like the mouth, the tires are like the legs, the headlights are like the headlights, and the tailpipe is like the you-know-what. Didn’t any of you people see the Disney movie “Cars”?

What we need to move toward now is fully equipping individuals with the accessories that automobiles have, so they can more easily obey the rules of the road. For example, we could attach turn signals to hip pockets so pedestrians could signal which way they’re turning. We could surgically implant an antenna in their heads so they don’t need to be distracted by their cell phones and music players. We could require everyone, instead of saying “hi” as they greet one another, to say “honk.”

The next time someone brushes against you with their shopping cart during one of these encounters, drop immediately to the floor and start yowling like a scorched cat. A store manager should arrive shortly with a specially equipped shopping cart into which you’ll be placed to be hauled out to the parking lot. There, this cart will be tied to the back of an ambulance and you’ll be taken to the nearest hospital. Meanwhile, the offender will be left in stunned silence before resuming their shop, hopefully noticing the great deal on frozen chicken breasts.

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4 Responses to “Some grand fatherly advice”

  1. izaakmak Says:

    Your Grandfather sounds like he was a really cool old dude! Kinda puts me in mind of R. A. Heinlein. 😎

    I hope you don’t mind a suggestion, but I have a really old hunk-o-junk that I read and write on. It would sure shorten the loading time for your blog if you reduced the # of posts per page. :mrgreen:

  2. wrjones Says:

    I was standing in the checkout line of a grocery store years ago when the woman behind me pushed her cart into my ankle. I said OW and looked at her. There was nowhere for me to go as the line was not moving at all. Still she did the same thing twice more. Her young daughter said, “mommy you are hitting that man with our cart.” “Well”, she says, “then he should move.”

  3. Jan Freeman Says:

    As politicians move to the left for those on the right, it seems the people in protest have a subconscious urge to stay in the middle and damn anyone who gets in the way 🙂

  4. therealmotherlode Says:

    Or how about the twits who stand right next to you while you’re checking out? Aaaaaaah……..there is no end to the end of tact and good manners…
    Thanks for the smile!

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