Half-Fake News: Job opening in N. Korea

SEOUL, South Korea (June 9) – Succession plans to name a new leader of North Korea in light of the declining health of current dictator Kim Jong-il took on another wrinkle yesterday as the 68-year-old strongman announced he was now accepting resumes from interested applicants.

The position, listed appropriately on Monster.com, is described as “chairman of the national defense commission, supreme commander of the Korean People’s Army and general secretary of the Worker’s Party of Korea.” Candidates should have a four-year degree in business or management, be willing to relocate, and have a strong contempt for underlings. The selected applicant will receive the title “dear leader” and will need a haircut. Compensation will be commensurate with experience.

The much-feared Kim, whose name is shortened from the family name “Kymberli,” is reportedly unhappy with his three male heirs-apparent. The oldest son, Kim Jong Nam, had been considered the front runner until he embarrassed the family eight years ago trying to sneak into Japan to visit Tokyo’s Disneyland. Middle son Kim Jong Chol was said to be “too wimpy,” according to an insider account written by the family’s former sushi chef. He was last seen at the Ladies Professional Golf Association (LPGA) qualifying school trying to get his tour card.

It appeared last month that youngest son Kim Jong Un would become head of the volatile nuclear-armed nation when the Dong-a Ilbo newspaper wrote that North Koreans were singing a song hailing Un, who we’ll call “Rob” to avoid Kim confusion, as “Commander Kim.” But father Kim may have soured on junior as reports emerged about certain indiscretions witnessed at the Swiss college he attended.

While enrolled at the International School of Bern, Rob assumed the pseudonym Pak Chol, socialized with the children of U.S. diplomats and became a fan of basketball great Michael Jordan, action film star Jean-Claude Van Damme, and former Monkee Peter Tork. Though he reportedly most resembles his father in looks, personality, charisma and thirst for power, Rob is thought to be an intellectual lightweight and even more of a dick.

Kim Jong-il, whose nicknames include “Intelligent Leader” and “Parka Boy,” took over from his father who died of a heart attack in 1994. During his career, he is suspected of having ordered an attack that murdered 17 South Korean officials visiting Burma, and of masterminding the bombing of a civilian airliner that killed all 115 on board. His voice has been broadcast only once, in 1992, when he approached the microphone during a military parade and said “Glory to the heroic soldiers of the People’s Army!” A voiceprint analysis characterized him as a contralto.

Various sources claim that Kim either died in late 2003 and has been replaced by stand-ins since then, or that he suffered a stroke in 2008. Either way, he is said to have a fear of flying and, during a trip to Russia, had live lobsters air-lifted to his train every day, which he ate with silver chopsticks. He is a huge film buff (his favorites include Friday the Thirteenth, Twilight and Rambo), wrote a book called On the Art of the Cinema, and kidnapped a South Korean director and his actress wife to build a North Korean movie industry. He has also composed six operas and enjoys staging elaborate musicals.

Job applicants are encouraged to use Monster’s resume writing service, which will craft a professional, keyword-rich resume that stands out in a crowd. North Korea’s population is about 23 million, so be sure to highlight your people skills.

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3 Responses to “Half-Fake News: Job opening in N. Korea”

  1. AlienCG Says:

    Well, considering I’m out of work at the moment, maybe I’ll give it a shot. I don’t have the degree in business, but I am will to get a haircut (and I wear glasses). Great post, thanks for stopping by.

  2. planetross Says:

    The inmates are definitely running the asylum over there … except for the ones looking for asylum.

  3. Rochelle Kazakos Says:

    Hmmm, cool verbage, I don’t entirely agree and I am still interested in this.

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