Weight loss (and other stuff) in the news

Once again, my beloved Carolinas are in the news for a bizarre reason.

We’ve recently endured the embarrassment of being home to a number of news items that brought quite the condescending chuckle from readers. First, it was reported that several participants at a graduation ceremony in my hometown of Rock Hill, South Carolina, had been arrested and charged by police for shouting “woo” when their loved one marched across the stage to accept their diploma. This disruption was deemed to be worthy of a disturbing the peace charge which led to jail time for the offenders. Then came the Waffle House waitress who delivered the ultimate in customer service by shooting one of the restaurant’s patrons. Then there was the armed robber of a convenience store who used a banana hidden in his shirt to form the shape of a gun barrel (he was subdued by the store manager but he ate the evidence while waiting for police to arrive).

Last week, we had the story of a Kannapolis man who had used Craigslist to find a man to come to his home and “rape” his wife for fantasy purposes. Only the wife wasn’t clued in on the husband’s fanciful daydream.

Now there’s the tragic report of a chemical explosion at the factory outside Raleigh that manufactures Slim Jims. Two workers died when the blast tore through the meat products plant Tuesday, punching holes in the building’s roof and blowing employees off their feet. Four people were critically burned, one was still missing and 40 were taken to area hospitals, including three firefighters who needed medical attention after inhaling ammonia gas at the ConAgra Foods site.

“I was getting ready to pick up a piece of meat and I felt the percussion,” said worker Chris Woods. “One of the guys I was working with got blown back. His hat flew backwards.”

The smell of ammonia that lingered in the area for several hours following the explosion probably doesn’t surprise anyone who has ever dared to eat a Slim Jim. The spicy jerky stick, sold at convenience stores throughout the South, is quite possibly the least food-like product that the human body is capable of (almost) digesting. Spontaneous explosion of the meat, or of the person who attempts to consume it, is not unheard-of, though not on this scale.

Apparently unhurt in the blast was recently retired spokesmen/mascot “Slim Jim,” whose commercial catchphrase of “eat me” inexplicably aired for several months without protest.

 

Uninjured in explosion

Uninjured in explosion

 

The temporary shortage of beef shafts on the market could be a boon to those looking to drop a little weight in time for swimsuit season. However we all know that diet alone can only take you so far down the path toward a slimmer, trimmer Jim. Exercise also plays a significant role in toning muscles to the point where you get just the right look to turn heads. All those baffling machines at the gym might work great on abs and lats, but what about those hard-to-reach trouble spots on your head and neck?

To turn heads, it turns out you only have to nod your head, repeatedly and with considerable resistance. Paul Younane, who we apparently are supposed to have heard of, is now offering the Neckline Slimmer in a special TV offer. Using this device just two minutes a day will firm, lift and smooth that disgusting flap of skin under your jaw and reverse the effects of aging without cosmetic surgery.

For only $19.99 (plus shipping, handling and a discrete package that won’t embarrass your mailman), you get a device that looks like a cross between an asthma inhaler and a tracheotomy. The base rests on the center of your collarbone just above your sternum while a plunger rises up to meet your chin. Three different levels of resistance springs – beginner, medium and advanced – fit into the piston tube. You push your chin down toward your chest over and over again while no one is looking, and soon you’ll notice that your wattle is no longer quite so wattly. Your profile and chin definition are better than ever; just make sure you strut around the pool always facing straight ahead and looking slightly upward.

Speaking of exercise, here’s an update on how my team is doing in our corporate walking challenge: we suck. Despite my Herculean effort of walking the equivalent of nearly 40 miles last week, my lame-o team is in ninth place out of the eleven teams at our site. The only groups behind us are an even more desk-bound pack of workers in the front office and the team I mentioned earlier that consists of two new brides, one layoff victim and one car accident victim. All the leaders are warehouse workers who spend their day scurrying back and forth between packing shelves and who should, in my opinion, be disqualified from the competition.

I wonder how many steps we could get credit for by moving our heads up and down.

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5 Responses to “Weight loss (and other stuff) in the news”

  1. delicate flower Says:

    You guys need to get your butts moving! How about drinking lots and lots and lots of coffee and then running to the bathroom numerous times during the course of the day?

  2. seriouswhimsey Says:

    Except for the tragic part of this post about the victims of the explosion near Raleigh yesterday, the rest of this post had me laughing…by myself…out loud…until I cried. I SO needed that “medicine” today. Thank you, thank you.

  3. seriouswhimsey Says:

    P.S. I enjoyed it so much I highlighted this post on my Facebook.

  4. planetross Says:

    I like a good “slim jim” once in a while always. If you can’t eat real meat, a “slim jim” is the next best thing! I think they sell a fish substitute called a “swim jim” but I’m not fooled.
    “herky jerkies” are pretty good as well … if you’re a bit shaken on your visit to the plastic containers on the counters of discriminating stores everywhere.

  5. clx42 Says:

    Good stuff as always. I used to love Slim Jims! And the Craig’s List rape is just sickening and sad. I’m all for consenting adults exploring their fantasies, but the wife needs to know about it to “consent.” LOL

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