More advice about urinary catheters

This is another installment in my free but dreadful advice service. As I mentioned previously, my philosophy uses the concept of making things up as you go along, with little or no regard for the consequences – a methodology I call “selfish preposterism”. Today’s topic again addresses a health matter, but I’ll also be tackling interpersonal relationships, spiritual concerns, computer problems, do-it-yourself issues, travel, and virtually anything else I care to. IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER, TODAY IN BOLD CAPITALS, IN HONOR OF THE FROZEN CAPITAL MARKETS: REMEMBER, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

Q. My 82-year-old father was recently hospitalized with complications from a blood disorder. Medical staff assessed the need for a urinary catheter. The insertion was done with a dry tube surface. When asked if they could “put something on it,” the female nurse just told him to “take a deep breath”. The insertion was done twice, both times without lubricant. When he told his regular doctor, she just about came unglued. My father is now unable to urinate on his own because of a blockage, which his urologist said may have been caused by the dry insertions. He now has to live with a catheter. I cringe whenever I think about his experience and wonder if others have been subjected to this.

A. HOLY CRAP! DID YOU REALLY HAVE TO TELL ME THIS? OH MY GOD, THAT SOUNDS ABSOLUTELY HORRENDOUSLY PAINFUL.

On a more sane and sober note, I agree with your father’s regular doctor who suggested using glue as a lubricant. Wait, that’s not what you said. Jeez, I’m really unhinged here.

I’m guessing that the female nurse who did the unlubricated insertion misconstrued your father’s request to “put something on it” as an improper sexual advance, which it may well have been. Is your father currently getting “any”? Was “it” in an engorged state when the request was made? It may be that his eagerness for admittedly pleasurable but inappropriate touching by the nurse could have caused him a more painful procedure than was necessary.

As for the blockage he’s now experiencing, I would suggest limiting his intake of fluids to zero. If he still has to urinate, you might try the homeopathic version of a catheter: a Burger King straw (the big ones they give out for milk shakes). Instead of the tube, try lubricating your father instead with a tall glass of Bacardi 151 rum. While he’s unconscious, his limp appendage should be far more user-friendly.

And please, PLEASE, never write to me about urinary catheters again. I’m serious.

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6 Responses to “More advice about urinary catheters”

  1. Donald Mills Says:

    Interesting that one of the possibly related posts is identified as “In other news, I’m cooking a chicken.”

    That’s just damned disturbing if you ask me.

  2. tom1950 Says:

    The only thing more fun that installing one is uninstalling one. In my case, it was: “Hang onto the railings there while I whip this off”. I expected to find my toenails attached to the bitter end.

    T.O.M.

  3. prinsesamusang Says:

    so glues don’t work at all? LOL

  4. dv4u Says:

    Hey, that’s exactly what happened to my aunt who is now on a catheter (no glue needed here)… the docs say she could not urinate completely and must stay on the catheter. I suspect more that because she had that catheter on in the first place, she now could not urinate without it. eeew…

  5. determinednspoken Says:

    wow

    lol

  6. miracle noodle Says:

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    Excellent, what a nice read! This forum is exactly what I was searching for, delighted I found this! Will certainly be linking this on my weblog! miracle noodle reviews

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