My advice: Look elsewhere for advice

On December 15 of last year, I changed the motto on my masthead to read “Now Being Funny on a Daily Basis.” I’m sure the “being funny” part is debatable, but the “daily basis” has been absolutely true – weekends included – for the last 165 days, or almost half a year. The closest I came to missing a daily post was one day in late February when my 17-year-old son had abdominal surgery. I managed to get a couple of sentences up while anxiously cooling my heels in the waiting room, so I officially made it that day but only on a technicality.

Now that summer is here and virtually everybody else is into reruns, I’m going to do the same thing with this blog ON WEEKENDS ONLY. Monday through Friday I’ll continue to post (thoroughly) original material; however, on Saturday and Sunday I’ll be reposting some of the “fake advice” columns I wrote on Tuesdays and Thursdays during the winter.

Throughout the summer and on into eternity, I’ll continue doing new humorous essays on Mondays and Wednesdays, fake news stories on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and the riotously popular Website Reviews on Fridays. Please keep the views and comments coming.

* * *

Welcome to my free but awful advice service. My counseling philosophy values the concept of making things up as you go along, with little or no regard for the consequences – a methodology I call “selfish preposterism”. Today’s topic addresses a health matter, but I’ll also be tackling interpersonal relationships, spiritual concerns, computer problems, do-it-yourself issues, travel, and virtually anything else I care to. Important Disclaimer in Bold Italic: Remember, I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Q. My 77-year-old husband has a bizarre skin problem. On his left arm he has red blotches that appear and then disappear every several days. He’s seen several dermatologists but none can give him a diagnosis. Now it’s showing up on the other arm. The spots are not itchy or painful, just unsightly. Please help us figure out what is happening.

A. There are several bizarre things going on here: your husband apparently has some skin without red blotches and, at age 77, if this is the best he can do for a health complaint, he’s better off than my sorry 55-year-old body.

 When you say the blotches appear and then disappear every several days, do you mean that they flash on and off like Christmas lights over the course of those days, or do they change more slowly? If they’re flashing, this could be very amusing to circus folk, and you should consider renting a tent for him and charging admission. If it’s more gradual than this, your profit-making options are limited. When it shows up on the other arm, does it disappear from the original arm? Does he ever have both arms in this disgusting condition? And are you sure those are dermatologists you’re seeing, or might they be herpetologists, who would be less surprised by unusual skin features in the snakes and alligators they treat.

My advice would be that, if the spots are just repulsive, not itchy or painful, your best bet would be to cover him in a full-body burqa and move to the tribal regions of northeast Pakistan, which is about as far away from me as you can get.

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One Response to “My advice: Look elsewhere for advice”

  1. wrjones Says:

    Oh my Lord. Finally some worth while advice. I have green spots that come and go on my arms. I think it is some kind of old age mold. Could you put me in contact with red spots. I’m thinking we might make a good Christmas decoration.

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