Fake News Briefs: Pelosi and Obama

Pelosi claim raises eyebrows

WASHINGTON (May 17) – House Speaker Nancy Pelosi reiterated her denial yesterday that CIA officials informed her in early 2002 that they were going to hold her down, shave off her eyebrows and replace them with rootbeer-flavored gummy worms.

Pelosi said that her records of the briefing showed only that she was to be taken to a playground not far from her Capitol Hill office and strapped to a see-saw, which was then to be inverted while sand was kicked into her face and eyes.

“I can specifically remember that there was no discussion of my eyebrows being removed,” Pelosi told reporters in a hastily called news conference. “Forced removal of any of my facial hair is something I would recall. Nor do my notes from that meeting indicate that any brow-work was to be done.”

Meanwhile, CIA director Leon Panetta continued to insist that agency documents indicated that Pelosi, who was then minority leader of the House, knew of the plan and agreed to have the sugary gelatin novelty candies implanted in the ridges above her eyes. Panetta said agents told her they thought it would soften her look and nicely complement the pert bob she has sported since her days in the California legislature.

“We conduct these assessments of leading public figures on a regular basis, and if we think we can make them a more appealing presence, we’ll approach them and suggest a procedure,” Panetta said of the long-standing national security policy. “She heard our people state their case and agreed to be admitted to a top-secret cosmetic surgery facility in suburban Washington. That’s where the four-hour procedure was performed.”

Pelosi denied approving such a move, and said she agreed only to the kicking of sand while she assumed a simulated waterboard position. She did acknowledge that she was briefly blinded during the incident, and that when she was returned to her office later in the day, she noticed “a distinct rootbeer or perhaps cola smell.”

“I would never willingly accept eyebrows that look this ridiculous,” Pelosi said, pointing at her face. “It’s apparent to me that the CIA has altered their records to show that I was complicit in this, when that’s simply not true.”

 

Obama tackles abortion at ND

SOUTH BEND, Ind. (March 16) – President Obama declared during a commencement address at the University of Notre Dame Saturday that he supported the school’s right to choose whether or not to abort its failing football program.

“I’m not saying you should; I’m not saying you shouldn’t,” Obama told 1,800 graduates and their families gathered at the on-campus ceremony. “I’m just saying that anyone could understand why you would terminate this half-formed being and get on with the rest of your life.”

The once-storied football team has fallen on hard times in recent years, due to several coaching changes as well as defections of top prospects to the NFL. Current coach Charlie Weis began his stint with the school in 2005 with an impressive 9-3 record, following that up with a 10-2 showing in 2006. But the Fighting Irish were routed by LSU in that year’s Sugar Bowl, then stumbled to a 3-9 finish in 2007.

Last year’s mild recovery to a 7-6 mark was seen by some as further evidence that the school could no longer attract the talent necessary to sustain a nationally ranked program. However, school officials continue to stand by Weis and his ten-year contract extension, despite the fact that his belly looks so pregnant he might want to consider an abortion himself.

Some protesters at the commencement briefly heckled the president – shouting “schedule killer!” and “Syracuse has rights too!” – while others wore caps imprinted with a plus sign and a pair of baby footprints, apparently symbolizing the belief it would take tiny steps before the team could again finish above .500.

 “You and your school have the right to choose between a West Coast offense, more reliance on the run, or perhaps no football at all,” the president said. “We can agree to disagree, and be respectful of all sides of the debate.”

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2 Responses to “Fake News Briefs: Pelosi and Obama”

  1. calliopespen Says:

    Now THIS is funny! I am howling over here! I’ll be back for more….

  2. Skip Dekades Says:

    The first paragraph of this one already had been in hysterics. Bravo!

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