Website Review:

The flighty young woman in our graphics department sent out an intriguing email last week. Candi, who improbably mixes post-punk fashion sense and an extremely conservative political philosophy, is “gettin’ married!!!” In that traditional home of family values known as Las Vegas, no less.

“If you want to watch, you can go online and see me get married on the web feed. Crazazy!” she writes.

We’re instructed to go to, click on “view live weddings,” then navigate to the “Wedding Chapel”.

“That’s it! Hooray!” she concludes. I can almost see her angular face grinning from skull earring to skull earring. “Hooray again!!!”

I visited the site, known more conventionally as Vegas Weddings, to mercilessly mock the joining of man and woman in holy matri-za-mony for my weekly Website Review.

The home page is a busy place, showing a variety of packages designed to make your special day as memorable as that drunken weekend where you lost $3500 on slot machines, if only you could remember it. Vegas Weddings describes itself as a “5-star wedding planning service and full-service Las Vegas wedding chapel.”

“But don’t feel limited by our walls. We are able to plan weddings just about anywhere in or surrounding Las Vegas, including the Grand Canyon.” I wonder if “anywhere” would include such Western landmarks as Death Valley and Hoover Dam, and if the Hoover might be too obvious a request from most grooms. I want to ask, can you get hitched at the Four Corners of Arizona, Utah, Colorado and New Mexico, with the husband standing in two states and the wife in two? How about the Shady Lady Ranch, one of Nevada’s legalized brothels? We’ll get to my questions later.

Featured wedding packages come in four budget tiers – the Ignite, which unabashedly also calls itself a “cheap Vegas wedding”; the Dream, a slightly pricier option; the Intrigue, as in “I wonder how we’re going to afford this one”; and the Valley of Fire, which is an outdoor ceremony in the Mojave Desert, or maybe the bride’s STD.

Included in the cheap option is a limousine ride, traditional wedding music, a bouquet for the bride, internet broadcast of the ceremony, and use of a bridal suite, so you don’t have to slip into your gown in the gas station bathroom next door.

The Valley of Fire wedding has all of the above, plus that extra bit of excitement that comes from being joined together in nuptial bliss in one of the most hostile environments on earth. If it makes things any more comfortable, you can throw in Native American traditions like the Apache Wedding Prayer (“hunga hoona atwa watha” goes the best part) or a rain stick, not widely available since the Discovery Stores went out of business.

Another very popular option is the Elvis wedding. You don’t actually marry the King – some say he’s dead anyway – but instead you can have him do things like sing, swivel his hips, and pick you up in his pink Cadillac, then come to your honeymoon suite after the service and collapse next to your toilet with his spangly silver suit bunched around his ankles. “The charge for Elvis may vary,” warns the website, though the going rate is generally about $250.

If you want a little less drama than an oily impersonator with identity issues, there’s also the “Tony ‘n Tina’s Wedding/Vow Renewal.” This package somehow incorporates your sacred rite into an interactive, hilarious Off-Broadway show about a wild Italian wedding. It’s not clear whether you simply sit in an audience or actually have to mingle with these rowdy Latins; to me, either sounds incredibly painful.

For the hard-core skinflints and those who think tacky is ironically cool, you can also choose from a drive-through or walk-up wedding. The Love in the Fast Lane choice for $199 is a limousine-based offering that comes with a souvenir wedding scroll. The Lover’s Lane is similar but you have to provide your own vehicle. The Express Lane wedding is probably performed over a speaker box and offers numbered combos, including the “I do” and the “I do with curly fries.”

Speaking of transportation, the high end of the spectrum has a private ceremony performed on a helicopter flying high “over the glitz of Las Vegas’ neon lights from the best vantage point available – the sky!” You’re provided with flowers, a bride’s garter and glass champagne flutes that you can throw out the window at all the waddling losers below. There’s nothing that beats the ambience of vows shouted above the mechanical whirr of a Pratt & Whitney Twin Pac engine. The flight is limited to a party of two and one of them can’t be Elvis because of FAA weight limitations.

Finally, I thought I’d mention what are called the add-ons, an a la carte menu of selections. Two of the most intriguing are a singing harpist and a white dove release. The harpist is referred to only as Ms. Blanc, and the “vibration of her strings and her elegant poise behind the harp creates enchantment not easily forgotten.” She plays standards, ballads, jazz (on the harp?), show tunes and classical music, and has performed for many notables in the New York area. The actual list of these includes Frank Sinatra, Bob Hope, Donald Trump, Margaret Thatcher, Elizabeth Taylor and Ralph Macchio. Which of these is not like the other?

The white dove release represents love, peace, fidelity, prosperity and a trip to the dry cleaner’s for most of the attendees. “These amazing creatures are expected to circle overhead a few times allowing everybody to fully admire their beauty,” directs the promo. “The doves are treated well and return home safely.” You can also contract for a monarch butterfly release, but any other animals involved in your marriage will be strictly confined, including the groom.

Though this very informative and jam-packed website did contain a lot of helpful information, I did have a few questions, and took advantage of the live chat offered on the home page. I was greeted by “wedding coordinator Stephanie,” whose name was Rhonda. “How can I help you?” she asked.

“Just wanted to get some basic info before getting too far with plans,” I wrote. “You do any events other than weddings?”

“No, just weddings,” said Rhonda. “But we can help arrange facilities.”

“My friend wanted me to ask about same-sex weddings,” I lied.

“We don’t do same-sex,” she wrote after a significant pause, perhaps starting to suspect a prankster.

“What if I wanted to marry my dishwasher?” I asked.

I got no response except for a “chat session closed” message.

Hey, maybe I’m a rich guy with an extensive household staff, and I’ve fallen head over heels in love with the unassuming young kitchen worker who against all odds captured my attention and affection. Don’t judge me by thinking I’m just a wise guy looking to spice up his web post a little. After all, this is supposed to be a Vegas wedding, where fantasies come true.


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8 Responses to “Website Review:”

  1. tom1950 Says:

    Supremely entertaining. Your blog is the first place I hit every morning for a good laugh. I went through Vegas on my honeymoon in 1962 and I see nothing has changed – thank goodness (or badness as the case may be).


  2. Enna Says:

    “What if I wanted to marry my dishwasher?”

  3. Era Says:

    Thank you so much for this review. In the few minutes it took me to read this post, I’ve already planned the service for my vow renewal ceremony! Now, I just need to make sure Hubby’s Elvis jumpsuit still fits.

  4. mysweetmusings Says:

    i love the anger and the bitterness. Keep it up

  5. Fangy Bunny Says:

    I have just found your blogs and thank you!
    I now have laugh juice dribbling out of my nose.
    Most excellent Sir!

  6. DEUX Says:

    “What if I wanted to marry my dishwasher?” I asked.

    I got no response except for a “chat session closed” message.

    Haha.. That was hell funny. XD

  7. sabine Says:

    “What if I wanted to marry my dishwasher?” hahahha Btw, try to visit this place: las vegas outdoor wedding
    It might be your dream place..

  8. Las Vegas Outdoor Wedding Says:

    First, I saw a funny wedding picture, now I found your blog. Funny!..hahaha

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