Fake News: More cereals under scrutiny

WASHINGTON (May 13) – The Food and Drug Administration is continuing its crusade against inaccurate claims made by the makers of popular breakfast cereals. Most, it appears, are neither food nor drugs.

In April, Kellogg was slapped on the wrist for asserting in national advertising that Frosted Mini-Wheats are “clinically shown to improve kids’ attention spans by nearly 20 percent.” The study compared children who ate Mini-Wheats against a test group who ate nothing at all for breakfast. “Compared to a kid who’s on the verge of fainting,” noted the St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times, “anybody seems attentive.”

This week, General Mills was told to remove wording from its Cheerios packaging suggesting that the cereal “can lower your cholesterol four percent in six weeks,” which is roughly equivalent to a blood-letting.

Now it appears other cereals will be under the scrutiny of the feds for false or misleading portrayals in their names, advertising or packages. Among those expected to be cited:

  • Grape Nuts, which does not in fact make you crazy
  • Frosted Flakes, which does nothing to add highlighting to your hair
  • Cap’n Crunch, which does nothing to provide you with the rank or benefits of a commissioned officer in the U.S. Navy
  • Apple Jacks, which don’t in fact contain any apples or apple-shaped byproducts
  • Mueslix, which despite its name contains no phlegm
  • Sugar Smacks, shown in laboratory tests to be almost 100% lacking in heroin
  • Trix, which have never been shown to be offered during the commission of prostitution
  • Lucky Charms, which contain neither small metal trinkets nor leprechaun fragments
  • Cocoa Puffs, which cannot be rolled in cigarette papers and smoked
  • Corn Chex, which are not the product of any known Slavic peoples
  • Fruit ‘n’ Fibre, which contains no apostrophes nor other small punctuation marks, though some of the specks may reflect equally troubling waste matter
  • Honey Bunches of Oaks, which contain no trees
  • Shredded Wheat, which are completely deficient in mangled limbs
  • Special K, which contains no nutrition that can be directly linked to Kaye Ballard, Danny Kaye, or Texas Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison



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9 Responses to “Fake News: More cereals under scrutiny”

  1. tom1950 Says:

    Basic-4, does not contain even a minimal portion of the Fantastic 4

    Clusters, nah – we won’t go there.

    Crispix, proven to not contain any pictures no matter how blurry

    Count Chocula, contains no Counts, real or candied

    Froot Loops, probably another one better left alone.

    Honey Comb, contains no portions of combs at all

    Puffed Rice, contains no previously smoked bits of rice at all

    Franken Berry, no portions of either Al Franken or Chuck Berry


  2. Rocky Humbert Says:

    Nice post! On the subject of “performance enhancement,” you might find this of interest:


  3. micetoneetyou Says:

    You’re saying I’ve been eating Cap’n Crunch for nothing?

  4. boudicabpi Says:

    That was good.
    Bob A.

  5. Era Says:

    Thanks for a good laugh!

  6. oscarstavern Says:

    Jeeze – I’m switching to eggs and bacon again!

    Fun post!

  7. hesaidandshesaid Says:

    i tried sending in a box of golden grahams to cash4gold.com…they werent impressed.


  8. George Bill Says:

    First, thanks for visiting my blog. So few do I am overwhelmed when anyone does.

    Now, to comment. This food thing has been on my mind ever since I quit smoking and found myself really liking to eat and eat and eat, etc. My first concern is how the advertising industry has the gall to sell cans of evaporated milk. Pick up any one of them (except the very, very, very old ones) and shake them. Do you heart that? It’s liquid. Now if that isn’t milk, I’ll sue! Evaporated indeed!

    Th second item is much more serious. Chicken broth. Just how many chickens need to be squeezed for a carton of that stuff and why haven’t they been nailed for the damage squeezing does to the animals?

    We need an association to combat these kinds of things!

    Having just visited your blog, I am greatly impressed. I’ll be back as many times as my parole officer allows.

  9. tom1950 Says:

    Amen to that. And what about battered shrimp? Shouldn’t there at least be a national hotline for them?


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