Fake News Briefs: Media distortions

Liberal mainstream media assailed

Conservative watchdog groups stepped up their criticism of the so-called mainstream media yesterday, following a weekend they said was filled with “distortions and misrepresentations.”

Pointing specifically at the coverage of certain long-running armed conflicts, a spokesman complained that portrayals were “skewed to favorably show the socialist belief that government intervention is the answer to every problem.”

“I found the way our servicemen and women were being shown in their fight against evil to be very prejudicial,” said Bennie Jones of the Media Fairness Project. “Those merciless Romulans aren’t just holding a different opinion than ours. They’re unrepentantly bad creatures.”

Jones claimed that viewers all over the country were subjected to assertions that America could not hold its own against intergalactic terrorists, and needed instead to rely on a federation – “probably the United Nations,” he said – to counter the threat posed by pinecone-shaped spaceships. He also claimed that injecting a giant fiery drill into the earth’s core, filling it with red matter and creating a black hole that would swallow San Francisco, was “not that bad an idea, and shouldn’t be so readily dismissed by the liberal elite.”

“The Hollywood crowd would have us believe the gay agenda, coming largely out of California, is merely a different lifestyle,” Jones said. “My group would counter that creatures from Deep Space rightly see this as an aberrant life form that needs to be destroyed.”

Jones also questioned media portrayals shown this weekend which indicated that waterboarding could be considered torture rather than merely an enhanced interrogation technique. Scenes shown over and over again since late Thursday depict a “Captain Pike” lying in a tub while being tormented by his captor. When Jones was told that Pike was actually an American, he commented “oh” and tentatively withdrew that criticism.

“Well then, there was that scene where the commander appears before the group who is supposed to be holding him accountable, and instead he’s cheered and commended,” Jones said. “How can he be held responsible for his actions by people who think he should be hailed as a hero?”

“Actually, Bennie probably has a point with that one,” said James Hendrick of the liberal People for the American Way. “That White House Press Corps dinner really was way over the top.”

Miss California status still uncertain

Officials with the Miss USA California organization declined yesterday to issue an order that would remove Miss California’s crown, choosing instead to leave the decision up to pageant owner Donald Trump. Meanwhile, a seven-judge panel at the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity house of Florida State University did vote for the removal of the beauty queen’s evening gown, swimsuit, and any other attire she might be wearing.

Carrie Prejean has been under intense scrutiny from pageant executives because of photos taken of her while she was a 17-year-old model. She has also been widely criticized for comments made during the recent Miss USA pageant, where she finished second, that were perceived to be against gay marriage. She’s also risking disqualification for agreeing to serve as a spokesperson for the National Association for Marriage.

“Oh, man, I would so like to tap that,” said Aaron Boskin, president of the FSU fraternity. “She’s way hotter than the winner and, since she’s not the official representative of the pageant anyway, I think she should feel free to stop by the house here and take off all her clothes. Not just the stupid crown – who cares about that?”

In a related story, other representatives of the wiseacre community are speculating that Prejean may have an even more checkered past than already revealed. Some are claiming that her name – which in French means “used to be John” – is a clue to even  more extensive surgery than she has already admitted.

One report has surfaced on the notoriously unreliable blog “hottiemax” that the 22-year-old college student suffered from a botched sex-change surgery in 2003. Allegedly, John’s testes were absorbed into the body instead of being removed, then traveled through her bloodstream until they lodged near her sternum, becoming inflamed. Every other reliable source familiar with the beauty queen says this story is a complete fabrication; however, that doesn’t matter because the false claim is so much more interesting and plus, as was already mentioned, it appeared on a blog.

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