Fake News: Supremes could be candidates

WASHINGTON, D.C. (May 5) – White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said yesterday that President Obama’s intense focus on the economy, two wars and other pressing issues will make it impossible for him to carefully consider a Supreme Court nominee to succeed retiring justice David Souter.

Gibbs told reporters in an afternoon press conference that Obama would probably outsource the selection process to a group of his fancy Hollywood friends.

Speculation immediately shifted from candidates on the U.S. Court of Appeals and elsewhere in the federal judiciary to more lightweight prospects whose name recognition might be sufficient to carry them through the tough confirmation process.

Three names that immediately rose to the top of the list were actors Judge Reinhold and Judd Hirsch, as well as creator of the animated “King of the Hill” series Mike Judge. Hirsch, veteran of the TV sitcom “Taxi,” could be a leading contender because he’s not currently working in the entertainment industry. All were seen to be on the short list because their names contained the same prefix as the word “judicial.”

Also high on the roster is actor Jude Law, considered a “two-fer” due to his last name. However, the fact that he’s not an American citizen, and his shoddy treatment of actress Sienna Miller prior to their 2004 breakup when he had an affair with his children’s nanny, could prove to be a roadblock with conservatives on the Senate Judiciary Committee.

Calls by many for a woman justice to join Ruth Bader Ginsberg, currently the Court’s only female, could be answered with the nomination of The Supremes, a popular Motown “girl group” from the 1960s. Appointing three co-justices to a single position could be of questionable constitutionality, according to some legal scholars, though having Clarence Thomas holding the same seat as his “little friend” may be cited as precedent.

The Supremes do have an expansive body of work that could complicate their confirmation hearings. For example, opponents could quote lyrics from their 1968 hit “Love Child” as evidence of a too-controversial stance on abortion.

“This love we’re contemplating is worth the pain of waiting,” they sang at the time. “We’ll only end up hating the child we may be creating.”

They may also have to recuse themselves from any case that reaches the high court on the subject of possibly illegal wiretaps. Their smash hit “Back in My Arms Again” could be viewed by some as prejudicial.

“All day long I hear my telephone ring, friends calling giving their advice. From the boy I love I should break away, ‘cause heartache he’ll bring one day,” crooned Supremes front-woman Diana Ross. “I lost him once through friends’ advice but it’s not going to happen twice. ‘Cause all advice’s ever gotten me is many long and sleepless nights. Oooo.”

One additional name being mentioned frequently in Hollywood is that of Paula Abdul, currently on the bench of the four-judge panel of “American Idol,” yet seen as someone who would be willing to make the largely lateral move to Washington. Not only would her appointment please those calling for another female justice, but her background as an extreme Muslim jihadist could dovetail nicely with Obama’s history.

“Her opinions are already widely known from her years on television,” said one observer. “They may seem like ranting and raving to many, but it’s that vagueness that could be so appealing to those who would oppose an activist judicial philosophy. She’d make a real unpredictable swing vote in some of those 5-4 decisions we’ve seen in recent years.”

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One Response to “Fake News: Supremes could be candidates”

  1. InActionMan IAM Says:

    It is indeed a very important issue, because in America judges get to pick the President when an ill wind from Texas blows across the Gulf of Incredulity and disenfranchises black Floridians.
    Although I leaned for a while towards the Supremes, I’m going to suggest a break from the past and the appointment of a fictional character to the bench. Stools of own fetid imagination are thus far completely unrepresented on the Supreme Court, and I hereby nominate Banker Bum.

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