Tips for on-the-job flu protection

Like all responsible citizens of corporate America, my company is taking steps to help its employees avoid infection by the swine flu, also known as H1N1, also known as influenza A, also known as the biggest false alarm since Y2K. We received an email from top management assuring us that all appropriate steps were being considered, and that our health and welfare were the number-one priority.

Whatever action might eventually be forthcoming from the corporate heights, we decided in our local office to take matters into our own hands. There’s a guy in the shipping department who looks vaguely Mexican, and another guy in accounting who’s a pig, so we figured we couldn’t afford to wait. We appropriated some items that were already in the supply cabinet, applied a little of the same ingenuity we use when coming up with tardiness excuses, and prepared ourselves for the pandemic just around the corner.

In the interest of public health, I thought I’d share some of these inventive ideas with others who might be in a similar circumstance. Like all things of any value within our company, it’s a process:

First step, eat breakfast
First step, eat breakfast

It’s well known that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Getting sufficient nutrition will help your body’s natural immunity defense to work at its peak. In the example shown above, we’re eating cereal. What’s most important, though, is to use one of those white disposable Styrofoam bowls widely available in corporate kitchens and canteens.

Next step, finish breakfast. ALL of it.

Next step, finish breakfast. ALL of it.

Being a certified member of the Clean Plate Club is essential before we can proceed. If you had cereal, as shown in this example, be sure to drink all residual milk.

Make 2 small holes with pencil, attach rubberband
Make 2 small holes with pencil, attach rubberband

Be sure to use one of those big rubberbands and to tie it tightly in both holes.

Attach to your face
Attach to your face

This is no time to worry about presenting a fashionable appearance. You need something that can cover all identifiable features except for the eyes, so nobody’s going to be able to tell it’s you anyway.

Smile indicates you feel okay

Smile indicates you feel okay

This feature was drawn with black permanent marker, which is good for the Styrofoam surface which otherwise tends to absorb moisture.

Frown indicates feeling a little swine-y
Frown indicates feeling a little swine-y

The problem with permanent marker, however, is that the fumes tend to permeate through the mask pretty easily. You’ll find that you quickly get a headache caused by inhaling these vapors, which may obscure genuine swine flu symptoms. Note how this model’s eyes are starting to look a little spooky.

Household cleaner can serve as antiseptic
Household cleaner can serve as antiseptic

To ensure any flu germs that do make it through the mask are quickly dispatched, you can coat the inside of the bowl with any number of readily available cleaning products, including Windex, Raid and spray deodorants.

Late Breaking News: Corporate headquarters is on the move, and we now have an acronym securely in place — the Pandemic Preparedness Plan (PPP). I feel better already, though I never felt that bad to begin with.

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16 Responses to “Tips for on-the-job flu protection”

  1. crabdaddy Says:

    This is great information. Thank you for putting this in a form Crabdaddy could understand. Crabdaddy gettin ready to travel so he gonna print dis out and study it.

  2. Pranav Says:

    Swine flu mortality rate for humans: 9%.
    Swine flu mortality rate for swine: 1-3%.

    So why is it called swine flu again?

  3. area777 Says:

    The mask

    Now that is a worty choice we can chose to be upset or to make someelse smile.

    Thank you I am smiling

  4. Era Says:

    Great ideas. Corporate should give you guys a raise 🙂

  5. bethsciallo Says:

    Loved the pix! They really helped to convey the proffessional manner in which this task was undertaken. We have a PPP here as well, although ours involves spare undies and a clear path to the loo for all those under age six.

    still laugh’n!

  6. tychy Says:

    styrofoam instead of proper crockery… either you’re already down to emergency rations on the washing-up water, or your canteen is not quite abreast of the whole eco-friendly thing.

    i think your president obama should demonstrate some real leadership and catch swine flu on purpose, to publicly demonstrate that it’s entirely harmless. although, come to think of it, if he died it would cause mass panic and hysteria…

  7. Derek Bowles Says:

    I would have never thought of that. But did you know that if you get swine flu that you should go get mad cow? It’s in epic battle between the two, and usually ends up with you being healthier than ever before (or dead).

  8. Boyofbow Says:

    I love this idea and I think like all things American the world should be forced to take this on board, (with the help of the U.S armed forces, for their own good). Thanks Again.

  9. Scott Oglesby Says:

    Some quick advise; if you ever want to shorten a long line anywhere, wear the mask in, start coughing, take the mask off and look at it anxiously. Then hold so that others can see the pre splattered ketchup on the inside. You can clear out disneyland on a saturday with that trick!

  10. InActionMan IAM Says:

    President O’Barmy does not have Swine Flu, and this has been confirmed by a source as noteworthy as the Dark Site Times: http://phillipdonnelly.net/blog/2009/04/27/swine-fever/
    My own conpany (…a typo, but I’ll leave it in) has also prepared an acronmy to fight the deadly virus, and I feel safe in the arms of the BCP (Business Continuity Plan), but I can”t help but feel a little envious of the symmetry of your treble P.

  11. bschooled Says:

    Thanks for the tips,. I am posting these on the bulletin board at work…we don’t have any Mexicans here, but we sure have a lot of pigs!!

  12. Fark Knight Says:

    Niiice! We don’t actually have a pig at work but lots of birds. Maybe I could try bring bird flu back into the limelight.

    -TFK

  13. bamasteelmagnolia Says:

    OMG! This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while! So, funny, the current administration (Pres BO as I call the esteemed one) just might adopt it :/

  14. Jessica Says:

    I forgot how hysterical you are (How did that happen? I have no idea…). Thank you for the laugh. Working in a school – this is an absolute must. The breakfast part, I mean…

  15. Nancy Says:

    I just read “Tips for on the job protection”, and I’m still laughing. Your blog is great.

    Nancy

  16. Tesh Says:

    I hope you don’t mind, I had to post this on my FaceBook account. It’s the perfect thing for my mildly snarky friends and I, watching the panic unfold.

    Great article!

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