OINK, I tell you. OINK!!

ATLANTA, Georgia (April 30) – A spokesperson for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported yesterday that THERE’S A GUY IN SIERRA LEONE WHO’S BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH GUINEA WORM DISEASE, A COUPLE OF KIDS IN MALI WHO HAVE RIVER BLINDNESS AND A WOMAN IN BANGLADESH WHO IS SHOWING SYMPTOMS OF BURULI ULCLER!!!

Dr. Harold Densmore, chief epidemiologist with the U.S. Health Service, told a packed room of reporters that early information is sketchy, but there seemed to be enough evidence to dictate an increased level of concern from the medical community.

“I know these places are half a world away. Still, preparation is vital,” Densmore said. “Who knows when they might climb onto a plane, fly into your town, come to your home and borrow your hankie?”

Densmore also noted that several other rare tropical or infectious diseases seem to be making a comeback in regions where they were thought to be all but eliminated.

I JUST SAW A FIELD REPORT ABOUT SOMEBODY WHO HAD THE PLAGUE OF JUSTINIAN!” Densmore reported. “AND WE’RE SEEING INCREASED INCIDENTS OF HYPOVOLEMIC SHOCK, CLOSTRIDIAL COLITIS AND SNAIL FEVER!!”

In the wake of the recent outbreak of swine flu now sweeping through a couple of places, CDC officials wanted to be as forthright with the information they have as possible. Some observers had criticized their initial reaction to the new strain of influenza, saying they earlier had failed to show the proper level of urgency by talking only in caps and lower case.

“I WANT TO STRESS AGAIN THAT WE TAKE THIS VERY SERIOUSLY,” Densmore said. “PUBLIC HEALTH IS OUR BUSINESS AND WE NEED TO BE IN THE FOREFRONT FOR EVERY CASE OF MONKEY POX, EBOLA AND AFRICAN SLEEPING SICKNESS!”

The flu outbreak, which first became widely reported over the weekend, appears to have begun in rural Mexico at a site near a hog production farm. The ailment later spread to Mexico City, where several people reported feeling a little achy, and has since gone global with hundreds of reports of sniffles, tickly throats and a slight queasiness.

Densmore said he and his colleagues were working round-the-clock doing research on Wikipedia, searching for infectious and tropical diseases that could prove to be alarming. Especially promising and scary-sounding were Kallman syndrome with spastic paraplegia, Klumpke paralysis, ZAP0 deficiency, Jansky-Bielschowsky disease and Yaws.

“YAWS WOULD BE HORRIBLE,” Densmore concluded. “YOU START WITH A ‘MOTHER YAW’ WHICH ENLARGES AND BECOMES WARTY. THEN NEARBY ‘DAUGHTER YAWS’ APPEAR. THEN COMES ‘CRAB YAWS’ WITH DESQUAMATION. I DON’T LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT AT ALL.”

 

Advertisements

Tags: , , , , ,

6 Responses to “OINK, I tell you. OINK!!”

  1. trishatruly Says:

    My paraplegia feels spastic just reading that report. I think a visit to the “Ladies’ Room” with my crossword puzzle book might make that go away.

  2. croneandbearit Says:

    and then the relatives arrive and you have inyaws and we all know that’s deadly. Then there was the report of the lady who had a leech stuck to the underside of her upper eyelid – gawd let’s hope that’s not contagious!

  3. oscarstavern Says:

    You are on it. This is a bunch of “whooey”.

    Is ths another Zars disease….

  4. whatisanhsa Says:

    I understand that Joe Biden, to prevent the spread of the Swine Flu in America, has ordered that all borders remain open and that all Americans leave the country immediately (on foot of course).

  5. delicate flower Says:

    yeah, yeah.. you’re just trying to save NC and your corner on the bbq market!!
    Cause, you know we also are going to need to join .. the Egyptians?- and kill all our swine. Well, just the ones who walk on all fours.

  6. Sport Hybrid Cars Says:

    Very interesting subject , regards for putting up.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: