Obama’s first 100 days: We expected more

With today marking the 100th day of Barack Obama’s presidency, both supporters and detractors are evaluating his performance thus far. In the kind of overkill that only the American mass media can accomplish, pundits from the left, the right and every data point in between are weighing in on what kind of start the president has achieved. While all observers admit there’s a lot to be done, they also maintain that the economy should’ve been fixed, the wars should’ve been finished, and healthcare and education should’ve been reformed by close of business yesterday, at the latest.

Sadly, Mr. Obama has failed. I use a genuine, heartfelt adverb there because I voted for the man and had great faith (and hope – don’t forget hope) that he had the smarts and the energy to do everything that needed to be done. A hundred days is a long time – almost half a term in dog years – and it seems we can reasonably have expected more.

So I join here with other commentators to look back at what we all wish could have and should have been done.

·        He shouldn’t have let Bea Arthur die.

·        He should have foreseen the rise of the Octomom, and taken steps to prevent it.

·        He should have kept the St. Louis Cardinals out of the Super Bowl, by executive decree if necessary.

·        He shouldn’t have allowed the flooding in North Dakota, using his substantial influence with the Creator to arrange more favorable weather patterns.

·        In addition to firing Rick Waggoner, GM’s top executive, he should’ve terminated that loudmouth that sits two cubicles behind me.

·        Satan and his minions still run the Underworld. Why is this allowed to continue?

·        In addition to the “Craigslist Killer,” we should’ve caught the “MySpace Skyjacker,” the “Facebook Jaywalker” and the “eBay Tax Evader.”

·        He shouldn’t have allowed my cat to get a kidney stone resulting in over $600 of veterinary bills. There should be health insurance reform for pets.

·       Instead of shaking hands with Hugo Chavez, he should’ve done a fist bump with the Queen.

·        It was way too hot this past weekend for so early in the spring. Summer temperatures should not start for at least another month. Also, there’s too much pollen this year, and birds keep pooping on my new car. This is not what we expected from a Democratic administration.

·        Tainted peanuts should not have been allowed to enter the food supply. I expect a hands-on commander-in-chief who will personally inspect field legumes if necessary.

·        He may have appeared on The Tonight Show, but I also would’ve expected guest stints on Project Runway and Samantha Who?

·        Despite all logical reasons to the contrary, Casey Kasem has not yet died of old age.

·        Efforts to make a more transparent government have largely succeeded, but we failed to take into account that transparency means we can see things better. And that’s not what we want when we’re looking at the ugly mugs of press secretary Robert Gibbs, Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell and Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Please give us more physically attractive appointments, along the lines of Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius (hubba, hubba) and Attorney General Eric Holder.

·        Captain “Sulley” Sullenberger, pilot of the jet that crash-landed in the Hudson River, should’ve been allowed no more than one week to take a victory lap around the country celebrating his fame.

·        I know executive powers are strictly limited and defined by the Constitution and Supreme Court interpretations thereof, but that’s still no reason Katie Perry should be allowed to walk among us.

·        The scourge of Twitter still stalks the land. Make it stop now.

·        We are still not sure whether colon cleansers work as advertised.

·        There is no reason that Elisabeth Hasselbeck should be pregnant for the third time.

·        The tuna sub, which you would think is a relatively healthy sandwich, actually can have as much as 1700 calories.

·        He should do something to keep my grass from growing to the extent that it needs to be mowed every single damn weekend.

·        We continue to cement solid relations with India, that invaluable geopolitical counterweight in south Asia and the world’s largest democracy, and yet Anoop is allowed to be eliminated from American Idol.

·        We should be better protected against makeup mistakes that make you look older.

·        On January 30, not two weeks after the president’s inauguration, the Orlando Magic defeated the Cleveland Cavaliers despite a 35-point performance by Lebron James.

·        The position of White House pet was left vacant for far too long. Even though Bo has now received full confirmation from the Senate, the right-wing blogosphere is correct in continuing to ask the hard questions: Was Bo born in the U.S. and, if so, where is his birth certificate? Why does he seem so reliant on a teleprompter for every little woof and growl? Did he sniff the Saudi king?

·        We want not only a White House dog but also a budgie and a ferret.


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8 Responses to “Obama’s first 100 days: We expected more”

  1. Tara Says:

    Haha….good stuff. Thanks for visiting my blog and for giving me a smile today! 🙂

  2. tannerleah Says:

    $600 for a cat? You are a better man than I.

  3. ian in hamburg Says:

    A hands-on commander-in-chief who personally inspects field legumes? You already had Jimmy Carter!

  4. InActionMan IAM Says:

    I was trying to think of something funny I have achieved in the last 100 days but the joke is on me because I haven’t done anything.
    Bummer city, Arizona.

  5. bschooled Says:

    Hahaha…stellar work!

  6. oscarstavern Says:

    Very good points! LOL

    These items are of major importance!

  7. Kevin Says:

    Hey Davis… Another great one from the Master….

    But ya left out the little things like:

    He wasn’t able to (somehow) ensure that smokers (filthy habit) would be able to (somehow) pay his outrageous excise tax hikes, without having to (somehow) find an extra job or (somehow) quit smoking which would of course, defeat the supposed purpose (that new health insurance fund for kids). I personally just quit smoking a couple months ago, but in my clerk job… the only ones really hurting are the small stores that mostly sell smokes.

  8. scorpria Says:

    This one was a real riot!
    Thoroughly enjoyed it!
    Love your blog and the way you write! 🙂

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