Fake News: Twittering Octomom? God help us

LOS ANGELES (April 7) — The international community was on high alert yesterday when it was reported that the California woman who recently gave birth to eight babies had acquired the technology for nano-blogging.

It was feared that Nadya Suleman, the so-called “Octomom” who’s been much in the news recently, might begin to use the Twitter social networking site to launch the communication of her every thought to the world.

Families of multiple-birth children were among the first to come forward and express their concern.

“We can’t stand by and let a technology of such terrifying proportions fall into the wrong hands,” said Multiples Against a Twittering Octomom (MATO) spokesman Gerald Levine, who identified himself as a 28-year-old carpenter and septo-dad. “Just the thought of a reference to ‘Octomom’ and ‘Twitter’ in the same sentence should be enough to scare us all into action.”

Levine was joined on the stage of a Beverly Hills hotel conference room by Evelyn Johnson, a legal secretary and sexto-cousin, and by the Hayes quintuplets, Gary, Barry, Larry, Harry and Lucinda.

“We’ve all been through the multiple-birth experience and we know how difficult it can be. There are a lot of mouths to feed, your personal finances are in chaos, and don’t even get me started on the South Koreans,” said Johnson, whose niece gave birth to sextuplets last year. “But if she turns to Twittering, it could raise tensions worldwide and create an international incident. And folks like us don’t want to suffer in the backlash.”

Media experts confirm that the recent onslaught of stories about both the Octomom and the Twitter phenomena have battered news consumers with an endless barrage of trite, pointless and boring reporting. Were these two subjects to be combined into the same story, it could prove to be beyond the capacity of Americans to endure.

“Should the headline ‘Octomom to Twitter’ ever make it onto the newsprint or video screens of this nation, all hell could break lose,” said USC journalism professor Fielding Moore. “The only thing worse would be for her to hire publicists for each of the eight babies so they could do their own individual tweeting.”

Moore paused to compose himself.

“I don’t think that’s a world that any of us would want to live in,” he said, swallowing hard.

Speculation about the Octomom’s intentions grew over the weekend as it became apparent that she had exhausted the interest of just about every other media outlet. A neighbor noticed that she had acquired a Blackberry and appeared to be thumbing a message in her front yard yesterday, while eleven of her children played in traffic nearby.

“She may have just been texting a friend,” said the neighbor, who asked not to be identified. “Someone else asked her about it, and she claimed that’s all she was doing.”

However, spy satellites flying high above the unemployed temp worker’s home, as well as telemetry obtained from her local phone company, appear to confirm she’s about to stage a Twitter test.

“I hope to God that’s not happening,” said Harry Halperin, one of the quintuplets. “I can barely stand my brothers and sister, and that’s just from talking to them. Imagine a world that has a tweeting Octomom. It’s just too horrible to conceive.”


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7 Responses to “Fake News: Twittering Octomom? God help us”

  1. Neversaydie Says:

    Love the MATO reference. Good stuff, brother.

  2. therealmotherlode Says:

    Oh God help us all…..this is a little *too* close to reality…..

  3. auradioheadkida Says:

    NAMBLA, MATO, what next?
    “Twitter phenomena have battered news consumers with an endless barrage of trite, pointless and boring reporting.”
    You are plagiarizing my thoughts sir…
    You win this round DavisW, but if you continue to write my thoughts I might have to start reading your blog.

  4. ginamarie33 Says:

    I seriously laughed at this……seriously……

  5. sanebutcrazy Says:

    Noooooooooooooo, I hope this isn’t true. Though I laugh as well.

  6. stinginthetail Says:

    octomum *gag* woman as breeding factory – quite sickening

  7. Skip Dekades Says:

    I wouldn’t put it past her to mirror Madonna and try to adopt a Malawian child. That seems to get one at least some fleeting attention.

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