Fake News: ‘Quiet man’ in kill spree

LOS ANGELES (March 16) – A former dockworker who lost his job ten days ago has been charged by police in a murder spree that terrorized southern California for five hours yesterday afternoon.

Mark Crawford, 36, is being held without bond after highway patrol officers ended his rampage in a quiet neighborhood not far from the home that had been foreclosed on him only days ago. He had lived there with his recently divorced wife and teenage quadruplets until a judge had ordered him removed from the home Saturday. The cancer-stricken ex-con, who was reportedly undergoing treatment for alcoholism and was also trying to quit smoking, was believed to be living on the streets at the time of his arrest.

Killed in the mid-day horror were a family of three that lived just down the street, a convenience store clerk, two patrons at a fast-food restaurant, a librarian, four swimmers in a local pool, a motorist, two customers at a grocery store, the UC-Santa Barbara volleyball team, and “Dancing with the Stars” host Paul Bergeron. Also gunned down during the massacre were a pair of Golden Retrievers, four housecats, two feral cats, a hamster and a pig. During a period when Crawford led officials on a chase through a local zoo, he also slaughtered three howler monkeys, four gazelles, a giraffe, two white rhinos, a lemur, 16 flamingos, eight water buffalo, a peacock, and an astronaut ice cream vendor.

One former neighbor described Crawford as a “quiet” man who kept mostly to himself but still always had a kind word and a wave for others in his middle-class subdivision east of Los Angeles.

“I never would have imagined he’d be capable of something like this,” said Nancy Applegate. “He always seemed to be in a good mood and would often ask how your family was doing. He was just a nice, average kind of guy.”

Applegate said she often witnessed Crawford working in his yard, which she said he seemed to take great pride in maintaining. Most Saturdays would find him trimming his luxuriant hedges, cutting brush in the wooded area behind his home, or chasing down squirrels with his lawnmower.

Other former neighbors, however, described a very different man.

 “He always talked about how he’d like to kill a lot of people,” said neighbor Bob Hammer. “He even took out an ad in the paper saying he was going to do it. He had a television commercial saying he was going to do it. He even had a sign in his yard, and constantly wore a t-shirt that said ‘I’m going to kill people (and animals)'”.

“Don’t listen to crazy ‘Old Lady Applegate,’” said a man who would identify himself only as Gary. “Everybody in the neighborhood knew that guy was stark, screaming nuts. He’d stand out in his front yard all night at least twice a month, howling at the moon and discussing Australian regional politics with his mailbox.”

Gary said Crawford would often jog through the subdivision in nothing but a pair of plaid shorts and Doc Martens boots, carrying a 9-millimeter pistol strapped across his chest and singing off-key selections from the 1950s musical “South Pacific.”

“Even now, hearing ‘Bali Hai’ just sends chills down my spine,” Gary said. “We reported him to local authorities at least once a week but nothing ever happened.”

Another former associate from his days working at the Port of Los Angeles said Crawford used to talk to himself constantly throughout the workday.

“He’d hang a bottle opener from his ear and claim he was talking on Blu-Tooth, but everybody knew better than that,” said the unnamed coworker. “Sometimes he wore a hula dress and football shoulder pads to work, and the supervisor would always have to bring him down to the office to make him change. You can’t wear a straw skirt on the dock – you’ll get tangled in all the ropes.”

The former supervisor confirmed most of Crawford’s erratic behavior.

“Usually, when a mass killer goes off like that, you hear all his friends saying they never suspected a thing, that he was a model citizen who would never hurt anyone,” said Jack Pepper. “Well I’m here to tell you, Crawford was exactly the kind of guy to do such a thing. No one who knows him is surprised.”


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2 Responses to “Fake News: ‘Quiet man’ in kill spree”

  1. Scottie Says:

    A hamster?! Did he happen to flush any gold fish down the toilet in his killing spree? I say the ‘dancing’ host had it coming, and I can see talking politics with the mail box, I do it all the time. 🙂

    Thanks for swinging by!

  2. Rocky Humbert Says:

    Astronaut Ice Cream Vendor?

    Are those “dippin dots, the ice cream of the future?” If so, than the gunmen performed a public service


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