Fake News: Bank makes money

NEW YORK (March 11) – In a rare piece of good news from the nation’s battered banking sector, sources reported Tuesday that Citigroup was actually going to be profitable for the months of January and February, due to strong trading results and fatter lending margins.

“You mean profitable as in making more money than we’re losing?” asked Citigroup’s chief executive Vikram S. Pandit. “I had not yet heard that report but it certainly would be good news.”

One of the biggest and most troubled of the big banks, Citigroup had seen large drops in its stock price in recent days, even briefly sinking below a dollar per share last week. News of the profits contributed to a huge rally on Wall Street, with the Dow gaining almost 380 points.

“Are you sure you’re talking about us? There are other banks with variations of ‘city’ in their name, you know,” Pandit said. “I certainly think we have the potential to make a profit, though I don’t want to be overly optimistic… Who is this, anyway?”

After more than a year of staggering losses and three rescues from Washington, the giant financial company was again making money, and appeared on track for its strongest quarter since late 2007, when waves of bad loans and trading losses began to crash down on the company.

“Seriously, if this is a joke, I’m going to be really mad. Is this Bob from governance?” Pandit continued. “Bob, if this is you and you’re yanking my chain again, you’re going to be in really big trouble.”

Tuesday’s breathtaking stock market rally left investors a bit giddy. Investors finally got a taste of what they desperately craved, a glimmer of good news in the financial industry.

“Bob, you’re in the conference room, aren’t you?” Citigroup’s beleaguered leader speculated. “I’m walking down the hall right now and if I see you on the phone in there, you’re a dead man.”

Troubled financial shares paced the gain on Wall Street, which saw its biggest one-day rise this year, and one of the largest on a percentage basis since World War II. Stocks surged 5.8% to 6929.46 on the Dow Jones Industrial Average, while the broader S&P 500 index jumped 6.7% and the tech-heavy Nasdaq jumped over 7%.

“You know, this isn’t funny any more. I can take a joke as good as the next person, but when you start making fun of our company like this, you’re treading on thin ice, buddy” Pandit said. “You need to stop it right now. Stop it, I say, or I’m going to tell.”

Banks large and small saw their stocks surge throughout the day, but the main catalyst was the news from Citigroup, which, with large consumer and investment banking operations in more than 100 countries, is viewed as a proxy for the broader banking industry.

Pandit has been frequently quoted as saying that his company’s business is financially sound, its businesses strong, and its deposits relatively stable. He continues to claim that the Citigroup is adequately capitalized, but “not to the point where we’d actually come out of the red.”

“All right, that’s it,” the CEO concluded, speaking from his midtown Manhattan office. “I’m hanging up the phone now and pretending that this call never happened.”

“Really, Bob, that was a low blow,” he concluded. “This is so uncool.”

 

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5 Responses to “Fake News: Bank makes money”

  1. krsnakhandelwal Says:

    The ‘citi’ news is a welcome news. A single entity out of woods can see markets rebound, shold there be, as there will be, more to report some healthy developments , there will be euphoric times on the exchanges. Moeny will chasing stocks rather thans tock trying to find supporters.

  2. Skip Dekades Says:

    This one had me laughing out loud.

  3. planetross Says:

    I never put money in any institution with the word “city” in it; “village” and “town” are okay though.

  4. Larry Who Says:

    Okay, okay, you’re funny. But to somehow make fun of “The Bear” , as in Bear Bryant, is not funny, especially when you consider that Bobby is losing victories left and right these days. And it’s not even football season.

  5. goodbadandugly2 Says:

    I agree with planetross. Smart words! And so logical!

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