Fake News: New Snuggie products coming

CHICAGO (March 9) – Manufacturers of the “Snuggie,” the blanket with sleeves that’s currently being heavily advertised on TV, have announced the introduction of several new products that will build on the success of their cozy cover-all.

First to be released will be the “Snuggie for Two,” a pair of the robe-blankets sewn together, allowing not only conjoined twins but also very close relatives, spouses or friends to compound their comfort with shared bodily warmth. Marketing executive Bennie Grundie said the stitching will be loose enough to allow relatively free movement, though “I doubt most people will bother,” he said.

Also in the development pipeline are other multiple-person garments – to be called “Wedgies” – that will accommodate three, four and five people, and even more, should the concept prove successful.

“I can even imagine a model that accommodates ten or eleven,” Grundie said. “It would be ideal for the football team playing in cold climates. Can you imagine how scary it would be to see a line of Pittsburgh Steelers all wearing the same ‘Wedgie’ coming at you? You’d be totally swarmed over.”

Grundie said his company is also in discussion with the makers of Huggies, a popular line of diapers, to test the viability of a jointly made product, tentatively called the “Mervyn.”

“People tend to get so comfortable wearing our blanket that they don’t want to be bothered to get up,” he said. “This would allow them to sit virtually motionless for hours or even days on end in homey ecstasy.”

Meanwhile, Wall Street experts were questioning the long-range business plan of the company, noting that the coming of warmer weather would be cutting deeply into sales. Analysts doubt that success of the brand can be sustained when outdoor temperatures approach 80 degrees, though Morgan Stanley’s Larry Powell, looking across a trading floor of empty cubicles, noted “we’ve been wrong on these speculations before.”

Snuggie’s Grundie responded that executives at his company had “never heard of seasonal weather changes” and therefore did not figure such a concept into their business strategy.

“If they’re talking about global warming, that’s yet to be fully proven. Plus it’s at least several decades off,” Grundie said. “That’s the only warming we’ve heard about. We’re so focused on the here-and-now that we can’t be in the business of weather prediction.”

When asked whether the cowl-and-cape sensation could be sustained in summer with the introduction of linen or seersucker models, Grundie noted that natural fibers such as these were “too expensive to fit within our price point.”

“I suppose we could drop the booklight offer,” he considered. “But frankly, that’s the heart of the package, if you’re looking for something actually useful in your purchase.”

Besides, he noted, in-house lab tests are revealing that the synthetic fabric tends to break down within several months, so “everybody’s soon going to have holes in the Snuggies anyway, and that should keep them cool if this whole crazy concept of ‘summer’ really does come about.”

 

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4 Responses to “Fake News: New Snuggie products coming”

  1. trishatruly Says:

    That was brilliant!
    The scary thing is I’m nearing the age where having a Mervyn is starting to sound good…

  2. Skip Dekades Says:

    Glad to finally see a parody of the Snuggie. The commercial is amusing enough, but this is great.

  3. coffee Says:

    i’m torn between the Snuggie and the Shamwow

  4. Snuggie Says:

    Not a bad idea..we can have three legged races in winter now! thanks snuggie for two! I know im not the first to think of it =p

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