Twitter too much? Try “!”

Blogging has been around long enough now that it’s hardly even new media any more. It’s definitely become the long form of virtual publishing, and seems to be waning a bit as shorter messages are increasing in popularity. Facebook condensed the form drastically, providing mostly just the facts and some embarrassing, though fortunately poorly-framed, photographs.

Now we see the ascent of Twitter into a mainstream consciousness that rivals the Octomom, Rush Limbaugh and even trivial stuff like massive bank failure. Twitter’s limit of 140 characters forces even more concision on the part of the user, requiring one to get the point faster than ever. If we want to communicate with our fellow man via this method, we need to choose every letter and punctuation mark with the kind of care that used to be reserved for bathroom graffiti written with a fading Sharpie.

Oh yeah, and there’s still real-life verbal conversations with real-life people, but nobody does that any more.

Now we’ve arrived at a place where even Twittering is taking too long. There was huge wave of negative publicity directed at members of Congress who spent more time thumb-wrestling their BlackBerrys than paying attention to the recent presidential address before a joint session of Congress.

So I’m proud to introduce the most concise digital messaging system yet available: a new service I call “!” (so far unpronounceable, though I have my marketing people working on that). “!”, as the name implies, allows users only a single character to describe what they’re doing, how they feel, what they like, or which ravine their car has plunged into.

Here are some of the more common messages being seen so far:

“A” – A greeting, usually elongated into something like “aaayy!”, like what Fonzi used to say.

“B” – A bid to practice existentialism; or, a panicked call for assistance about the bee on your forearm.

“C” – Look here.

“G” – Golly, gosh, jiminy and/or holy Moses.

 “I” – There’s something I need to say about me; or, there’s something I need to say about what’s in my eye.

 “J” – Only for use with friends who are named “Jay”.

 “K” – Alright already.

 “L” – Guess where I’m !-ing from – the elevated mass transit system of Chicago.

 “M” – How many points are there in an em-space?

“O” – I wish to express a strong emotional reaction such as surprise, shock, pain, or extreme pleasure.

“P” – Can you use your global positioning system to locate the nearest restroom for me, like, RIGHT AWAY!

“Q” – Take a prompt from me. You need to get in line to play pool.

“R” – Are you going to eat that?

“S” – You’re such an ass.

“T” – We should get together soon over a nice cup of tea.

“U” – You are the person I’m thinking about right now; or, I am a sheep.

“W” – I just saw former president Bush snacking off the samples tray at Costco.

“X” – Can you pick up some eggs on the way home from work?

“Y” – Why don’t you just bite me?

“Z” – This conversation is going nowhere; I seem to be drifting off …

You can also use non-letter characters, such as:

“,” – Help, I’m falling into a coma.

“:” – I seem to have been bitten by a venomous snake.

“_” – I really need to lie down for a while.

“{“ – I wish to become a portrait artist.

“~” – I’m having a great time at the beach, and I wish you had curly hair.

“#” – Want to play tic-tac-toe?

“%” – Can I have some of that?

“+” – I died on the cross for your sins; I hope you appreciate it.

“=” – I’m taking a shortcut home by walking on the train tracks, but I think I hear a thunderstorm com—“

“*” – I’ve discovered a new star in the heavens.

“^” – Look – up in the sky – it’s a bird, it’s a plane… no, it’s a huge burning asteroid and it’s heading right for us. Arrrhhh, we’re all going to die!

“!” – The coolest thing in instant communication for at least the next week.

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12 Responses to “Twitter too much? Try “!””

  1. tannerleah Says:

    This reminds me of that stupid saying I heard when I was a kid.

    AB, C D puppy?

    L, M N O puppy.

    O S A R, C M P’n?

    And you thought Twitter was ground breaking.

  2. Stale Oreos and Sunshine Says:

    ,

    lol!! 🙂

  3. anniewilson Says:

    W…LOL.

    I hate word limits and cell phones. Tell someone you don’t have one of those and they won’t believe you!

  4. Cindy Holman Says:

    Okay, Davis – really funny stuff!! I am on Twitter now – so is my husband – he even has TWO blogs while I only have one. But I’d say we are really “with it”. The only letter I use consistantly is “K” so much easier to text with that one – I love it! You have to read my funny blogs on “Men are Simple” and “If Men are Simple – what are Women?” I think you’d like them 🙂

  5. InActionMan_IAM Says:

    I obstinately refuse to use these new fangled text abbreviations, even in mobile phone communication, and I don’t even drop punctuation marks! It’s my way of rebelling against the disintegration of modern society, or maybe I just like being a pain.
    On full moon nights, I’ve even been known to use a semi-colon in a text message, but it is usually mistaken for some kind of smiley creature. I’m just glad this technology didn’t exist in Neil Armstrong’s day, or he might have been too busy twittering to tell us that it was:
    1 smll stp 4 mn
    1 gnt lp 4 mnknd.
    k?

  6. thedailycrazy Says:

    I like it.

    “:” something is wrong with my digestive system. Think about it.

  7. ONEWEIRDWORD Says:

    O!

  8. sgottahurt Says:

    “E” could mean you’re at a rave

    “F” could mean you’re giving an ultimatum (or the easy one – cursing someone out)

    “H” could mean you started to sneeze, but you stopped yourself

    Then there’s the entire lower case line-up, and single digits! You might really be onto something here! Great fun! Viva la !

  9. bglewandowski Says:

    $

  10. sweetreviewer Says:

    Very Clever Post.
    In a way it’s true though, if people do it excessively;chatting,twittering etc there will be no room for blogs :/ People hardly like reading anymore,let alone writing. They like everything to be more convenient and easier. That’s why I only twitter to promote my writing or blog.

  11. shaaakspsyco Says:

    I’m not a big fan of twitter. It is way overrated, I think.

  12. starlaschat Says:

    So what does this mean *(* is it a butt or a nose? I friend of my uses this one all the time. I was just wondering what is she saying?

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