Anyone who has watched much late-night television knows that drugs are funny. Just let the host mention “weed” or “roids” and listen to the audience howl. Michael Phelps and Alex Rodriguez jokes proliferate like octomoms on fertility drugs.
But are legal prescription drugs as funny as the illicit kind? I think so, and so do the writers on the hilarious “Colbert Report” in their frequent segment on Prescott Pharmaceuticals, the fake drug company in constant legal trouble (“the tingling tells you it’s working; the class action lawsuit tells you it’s Prescott”). Their line of medicines includes Vaxadrone, Vaxachub, Vaxascab and Vaxamaxx. It’s usually unclear what the intended effects are – something to do with 1980s 32-bit computing architecture, I imagine – but the side effects are absolutely riotous: vivid dreams of self-cannibalization, late onset albinoism, increased risk of vampire attack. Vaxadrine use is discouraged “if you plan to walk around.”
The items that follow are either brand or generic names from legitimate pharmaceutical giants. Either laugh along with me, or ask your doctor if one of these is right for you and, as Prescott advises, “if he says no, see another doctor.”
Accolate – for treatment of former Lutheran altar boys who continue to extinguish candle flames long past adolescence
Bambec – for the easily confused wild antlered mammal, such as the proverbial “deer stuck in headlights”
Zafirlukast – for inflammation of the pan flute
Faslodex – a high-speed computerized system for recording and maintaining business phone numbers
Modip – a flea treatment for dogs and cats that results in fur styles which resemble the leader of the Three Stooges
Gastroloc – an antidote to diarrhea
Avlocardyl retard – a California-grown salad and guacamole ingredient that can also be used to treat cognitive and learning disorders
Goserelin acetate – Canada Geese dropping refined into a film stock and selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor
AscoTop – for treatment of pretentious English types who are too good to wear normal neckwear
Zomig Rapimelt – for treatment of ice-cream-induced brain freeze
Imigran – designed to turn illegal aliens into a bran fiber that can aid in digestion
Epzicom – a new Disney theme park designed for the treatment of patients with epilepsy
Bonviva – for the treatment of unusually annoying happy people
Twinrix – a rice cereal for fraternal twins
Rotarix – a rice cereal for plumbers
Integrilin – for treatment of the honest politician
Ipilimumab – for treatment of those who think they want to travel to India, but will realize when they get there that it wasn’t such a good idea
Baraclude – one ounce dropped in the ocean will eliminate vicious fish within a one-mile area
Aspergillosis – for treatment of green vegetable spears growing in the shaded parts of your body
Fablyn – an implant that provides instant fashion sense
Cymbalta – for the treatment of drum solos
Yentreve – a medication designed to get Barbra Streisand to appear in a quality movie
Humalog – for those who think going to the bathroom is funny
Survivin – for those interested in stayin’ alive
OpRA II – a cure for those who stay at home watching daytime television
DavisW's Blog 
February 25, 2009 at 3:34 am |
Love the list of meds. You can add some more anytime. As a psych nurse I’ve heard of others — some very promising medications — but perhaps not appropriate on a blog.