You want my advice (last one)

“You Want My Advice?” is (or, I should say, was) a twice weekly feature of I looked at questions of ethics, manners, faith, fashion, geopolitics, science, etc., and offered completely inappropriate, irresponsible and possibly even life-threatening advice. In today’s final installment, we hear from the reader who finally drove me over the edge.

Q. Out of the blue, I’ve been contacted by an ex. We had a brief relationship several years ago, which represents part of my past that I’d rather forget. He is emotionally unstable, so I can’t just tell him to leave me alone, even nicely. I’m afraid he might harm me. I’ve been responding to his phone calls and e-mails (which all have a general message of “I think of you often and I miss you”). I’m also a widow and a parent of two children. I lost my husband almost four years ago. I have been trying to date, but it seems harder now than it ever was before. Many men hear of my situation and run the other way. Some are so insecure they can’t handle the fact that I was married before. I think it is a little unreasonable for them to expect me to never mention my late husband in conversation. In high school, I dated this wonderful guy for two years. We came to a halt after we graduated, but kept in touch. I made a series of really bad decisions with him and find myself regretting them constantly. We talk regularly now, about things such as moving in with each other and getting married. I am currently in a relationship where the person has put an expiration date on it. He says “I love you” a lot but he also becomes distant and cold toward me. My ex-boyfriend has cerebral palsy. I have loved him for more than a year, regardless of his condition. He broke up with me because he didn’t think he could love someone if he didn’t love himself. I have an on-again, off-again relationship with this other guy for more than five years. We are “off” now but I can’t stop thinking about him. It was my decision to end the relationship because I felt I was wasting my time. We get along well, but he lies and cheats. But the love I feel for him never changes. I can’t help but wonder if he is really my soul mate.

Can you offer a suggestion for how I might deal with my situation? – Troubled in Love

A. No. In fact, I’m sick and tired of all you whiny, needy social misfits constantly beating a path to my website with your pathetic problems. You need to take control of your own lives and figure out your own solutions, rather than relying on all-knowing super-beings like myself to give you the answers.

I’ve been writing this advice column twice a week for ten weeks now, and I don’t see that the world has become a better place as a result. I’ve answered questions about invasive squirrels, proper shoe color, organ donation etiquette, satellite TV, the creation of God and gender-neutral names. Every answer has been as appropriate as can be, and yet no one ever writes back to offer their thanks. The most feedback I’ve ever received was that one time a guy was looking for a cure for halitosis and I told him to drink pesticide and he died and they wrote about it in the paper.

This marks my final advice column. I’m not going to be dragged down to the level of you lonely losers any longer. If you need suggestions about how to live your lives, you better hope that one of the following works, because it’s the last you’re getting from me:

·         Try rotating the tires on your car. If that doesn’t make the noise go away, remove the tires completely.

·         A shampoo with conditioner may be what you need. Just be sure to use it on your hair.

·         I also read that article about a donated kidney being removed through the vagina, but I still wouldn’t recommend dental work being done through your ear.

·         If you’ll limit your caffeine intake, I bet the vibrations will stop.

·         Tell your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend that you hate them and never want to see them again.

·         Try a non-allergenic carpeting or else stop eating off the floor.

·         You need to lose some weight, get a haircut and give up your dreams of moving to Japan.

·         The sim cards in virtually all cell phones will usually provide your minimum daily requirement of minerals and vitamins.

·         Before you think about remodeling your kitchen, might I suggest you remodel your face.

·         God is not sitting on His Golden Throne in heaven worried about which casserole you bring to the church supper. He thinks congregants would be just as happy with one of those KFC Famous Bowls.


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4 Responses to “You want my advice (last one)”

  1. Adrienne Says:

    Dear Davis:
    Please don’t feel like your efforts at providing gratuitious advice are unappreciated.

    Although my situation was someone different from the person who worked in fashion sales at a department store, I nonetheless followed your advice and am now on welfare. My income (after tax) is about the same as before, and now I have tons of free time to spend commenting on blogs by people who give advice for free. I just wanted to say thanks and “pay it forward.”

  2. Thropplenoggin Says:


    I was always a devotee of the column and shall rue its untimely demise. However, I know of another misanthropic homo sap who won’t.

    More felicity anon,

    Dr. Y.U. Thropplenoggin

  3. fakename2 Says:

    I’m personally sad that the advice column is ending, since I’ve used it to guide my life. What will I do now?
    As for this last inquiry, it seems that she’s forgotten that the important thing in a relationship with a man is to be a virgin. I hear there is a surgery for that. Comes with a certificate that says your children miraculously appeared in a cabbage patch, and you took them in out of the kindness of your heart.

  4. Shirley Says:

    Rats! Just found this tremendous advise source…and you’re bowing out.

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