You want my advice? (Part 19)

“You Want My Advice?” is a twice weekly feature (Tuesdays and Thursdays) of davisw.wordpress.com. I look at questions of ethics, manners, faith, fashion, geopolitics, science, etc., and offer completely inappropriate, irresponsible and possibly even life-threatening advice. Today, we hear from a reader who’s looking for some advice on their love life.

Q: I feel like I’ve missed out on life. I grew up in a conservative Christian home where “gosh” and “heck” were bad words. I was homeschooled then went to a Christian university. After years of dealing with the crap, I became an atheist and am still going strong. After spending my whole life in the evangelical world, I have no idea how to function in the real world. I’ve never kissed a girl, had a girlfriend, or had sex. The only women I know are Christians. I’ve read stories about people hooking up in bars, but I have no idea what I’m supposed to do or how to meet people. – Awkward Agnostic

A. I’m sorry to hear how much trouble you’ve had with what is obviously a difficult transition. Changing from one lifestyle to another that’s so completely different can be very troublesome to your psyche. You need to be patient as this important transition proceeds.

Have you thought about asking God for help? Many people trying to survive in today’s hectic world think they can find easy answers to the trouble they’re having. The answers ARE easy, if you look in the right place, and by “right place,” I mean with those who have found the one true religion of Christianity.

Wait. I just reread your question. Sorry for not paying closer attention – I’m trying to balance one girlfriend on Twitter, another on Facebook, and my wife trying to get through to my cell. Pray to Jesus that you should be so lucky some day.

Yes, meeting women in bars is definitely the way to go. Hooking up in these establishments is not necessarily a requirement, but I’m guessing from your background that you’re going to want to have your potential mates as smashed as possible. Once you help them stagger out of the bar, into your car, and into your bedroom, don’t let them become unconscious because this would be considered “taking advantage,” which is something you should do only when you’ve reached a more advanced state. Also, don’t take it the wrong way if they cry out “Oh, God” or “Holy Jesus” during lovemaking.

I hear that meeting women on the Internet is also a very good idea. You can either use the popular social networking sites or a legitimate “matchmaking” service like eHarmony or FindAPiece.com. Just realize that most of the women you meet on line are actually going to be middle-aged men, and ugly ones at that.

One more thing: I don’t like your language when you talk about “dealing with the c**p.” Nobody, be they believers or non-believers, want to hear that kind of filth. Clean up your language, mister, and I think you’ll soon find yourself cleaning up with the ladies as well.

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6 Responses to “You want my advice? (Part 19)”

  1. Skip Dekades Says:

    I got a good chuckle out of this one – especially because my parents wouldn’t even let me say “pee” as a child and I now curse like a truck driver.

  2. Kevin Says:

    In my house we used the word pop because “fart” was dirty. This guy isn’t alone… Actually, some pretty solid advice there… OK maybe not.

  3. Mike Says:

    I think I need more advices.

  4. tannerleah Says:

    Davis – Stop lying to this guy. He has two choices. First, just find a tall building and jump. His life is basically over so why bother?

    However, if he can muster the strength, he can try plan two. He needs to get a really big felt hat and let his hair grow into a luxurious ponytail. Then, he should apply liberal amounts of mascara to make his eyes “pop”. His wardrobe should look something like what Huggy Bear used to wear on Starsky and Hutch. Once the look is right, he should go into a busy nightclub and insult as many woman as possible. That’s it…Nirvana will be reached shortly.

    Eh…just go for the tall building.

  5. anniewilson Says:

    I’m trying to balance one girlfriend on Twitter, another on Facebook, and my wife trying to get through to my cell. Pray to Jesus that you should be so lucky some day.

    LOL, OK then. See, this is why I don’t do any interfacing online, I hate to be juggled.

  6. Thropplenoggin Says:

    Sir,

    A question, if I may. How the devil do you precipitate so much punditry upon your palimpsest? I was lulled hither by several comments c/o your good self upon my own humble chronicle, Posit ennui – home to the “proper bosh”.

    Is this how you drum up these reflections?

    And, once you’ve drawn them hither, do you cease to return thence – that is, thither, to the pundit’s own “live memoirs”?

    For so it was with thee and me…

    Yours, etc.

    Dr. Y.U. Thropplenoggin

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