You want my advice? (Pt. 10)

“You Want My Advice?” is a twice weekly feature (Tuesdays and Thursdays) of I look at questions of ethics, propriety, faith, technology, geopolitics, etc., and offer completely inappropriate, irresponsible and possibly even life-threatening advice. Today, we hear from a love-lorn teenager.

Q. At school last year there was this guy that I really liked. He was just a friend but then I realized that I really liked him! We ride together on the school bus, so while we were on the bus I asked him for his phone number. He said, “I don’t think so. I don’t want you to bug me.” Now what do I do? – Cute Girl in Third Row Who Accidentally Fell Out the Emergency Exit That Time

A. Some guys like to play hard-to-get, and I’m thinking that’s what’s going on here. You need to keep after him in every way you can think of – late-night knocking on his door, throwing pebbles at his windows, moving into his attic, etc. It’s only proper that you don’t technically “bug him,” since he made that specific request, but asking his friends to wear a wire is completely within reason.

Maybe a story from my school days will be enlightening. There was this girl I liked in the first grade and I think she liked me too. I wrote her a note – I don’t remember the specific language I used, but I’m pretty sure “like” was in there a lot – however I was too shy to hand it to her personally. I knew where she lived so I walked by the house and threw the folded piece of paper onto her lawn. Whether she eventually got it or her father simply ran over it with the lawn mower I’ll never know. Eventually, though, we entered into a tumultuous relationship that ended on the balcony of a Paris hotel where she struck me with an exquisite piece of Waterford crystal when I called her a “doody-head.” When we returned to second grade that next fall, we knew we were not meant to be.

My point is that young love has a way of resolving itself, though it usually involves an unwanted pregnancy. You just need to look your best, be kind and friendly when you’re around him, and slip some rohypnol (the so-called “date-rape drug”) into his Full Throttle when he’s not looking. When he falls to the floor of the bus, sit on his face, and I think you’ll be “2 forward + 2 be = 4 gotten.”





Tags: , , ,

3 Responses to “You want my advice? (Pt. 10)”

  1. gryphonscry Says:

    a slightly less criminal alternative might be to flash him her breasts. That would work for me. Still criminal, but less felonius and less likely to serve time. Not only that, but if done publicly and he still doesn’t respond positively then she is sure to excite interest among the other boys.

  2. trishatruly Says:

    Befriending his mother, father, and siblings works well, too since it can’t be quailified as bugging HIM.

    I like Gryphonscry’s suggestion as well, but unless she’s well into or past puberty her tits probably aren’t all that.

    LMFAO, I WILL be back!! This was great!

  3. Bunk Strutts Says:

    Cool. Very. In a National Lampoon kinda way.

    I tried to set up a similar alternative-abby regular feature, but it never took off, and I couldn’t bring myself to stoop to the level of writing my own questions to answer. Glad to see that you don’t have to deal with the apathy of your readershipness.

    Here’s my question for next time: What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: