From an overheard telephone conversation …
Godfather’s Pizza: Godfather’s, can I help you?
American People: Yes, I’d like to order a President to be delivered, please.
GP: Go ahead.
AP: Yes, I’d like a medium … uh, I mean, a moderate. I want someone with both government and private-sector experience. Someone who understands that the poor and middle-class need more help than the rich do. Someone who isn’t locked into rigidity by their religious beliefs, or because they signed some anti-tax pledge. And no onions.
GP: No onions? Are you sure? You don’t want someone with the onions to stand up to the Washington insiders who have stolen our country from us?
AP: Uh, yes, that’s right. No onions.
GP: And what kind of crust do you want?
AP: I want extra-crusty. I think we need a cantankerous, grumpy sort, so we can negotiate aggressively with other countries.
GP: Okay, extra-crusty. Got it. How about a heartless immigration policy that will punish innocent children by denying them education?
AP: No. No, thanks.
GP: What about widespread deregulation of banks and other businesses that contributed to the financial meltdown?
GP: Would you like to deny affordable health insurance to all Americans?
AP: No, that gives me heartburn. Oh, and no anchovies.
GP: Okay. Do you need any drinks with that?
AP: Yeah, let me get a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke. Does that come with the price of the President, or is that extra?
GP: No, it’s extra. We’re through with entitlements. That’s what got this country into such a mess to begin with. We can sell you tea instead, if you like. Our Tea Party makes a great brew.
AP: No, that’s okay. Now, what sorts of side orders or other extras do you have?
GP: We have the 9-9-9 tax plan, a way for the poor to pay more while the wealthy pay less. We have a promise to veto any bills that are more than three pages long. And we have the fact that our man is a black guy.
AP: A black guy? Oh, that sounds good. What about wings?
GP: No, he doesn’t have wings, though I wouldn’t be surprised if he sprouts some in the afterlife.
AP: I meant buffalo wings.
GP: No, we’re getting those next year. After widespread oil drilling in the West wipes out the habitat of the wild bison. Then, we’ll have all the buffalo meat we can handle.
AP: Alright, just the medium President then, I guess. Oh, and I have a coupon for $2 off.
GP: I’m sorry. Those are good on takeout only.
AP: Really? That’s not what it says on my copy.
GP: Oh, you’re going to get a lot of unexpected surprises with this order. But you do want delivery, right?
AP: Yes. And how long do you think that’ll take?
GP: Let’s see … the Iowa caucuses are in early January, then comes the New Hampshire primary, then the South Carolina one … I’m guessing it’ll arrive at your house in a little over a year.
AP: A year? That’s an awful long time to wait.
GP: Well, there’s always the chance that the Far Right will rise up in armed insurrection against the bloated, illegal, unconstitutional federal government some time before next November. So you might get your man earlier, but I can’t promise anything. No “30-minutes-or-it’s-free” deals from us.
AP: Alright. Maybe I can snack on something light while I’m waiting. There’s a Michele Bachmann around here somewhere.
GP: Now, you know you can track the making and delivery of your President online.
AP: Yeah, I was looking at that on my smartphone. It shows you’ve taken the order and you’ve started making it. That’s cool.
GP: You’ll be able to keep up as your President rises in the polls, then makes an offensive comment about gays, then falls behind in fund-raising, then releases financial statements showing he’s paid no taxes for five years, then exits the race in shame when it’s found he hired an illegal alien as a nanny.
AP: That’s pretty neat. And now I can see that you’ve accidentally dropped him on the floor.
GP: Don’t worry. He was topping-side-up. There’ll be dirt on the bottom but it’ll just look like marks from the cooking.
AP: Okay. So how much will that be?
GP: Let’s see … there’s the negative impact on our image around the world, there’s the fear from our allies that we’ve elected a simplistic hothead, there’s the bond agencies that will lower our credit rating, there’s a sharp drop in federal revenues … It’s going to cost you about $500 billion. And remember, our delivery guys don’t make change.
AP: Got it.
GP: Now, what is your name, address and phone number?
AP: Gee, I don’t know if I want to give out that kind of personal information. I thought Herman Cain was against unnecessary intervention in the life of average Americans. I’m not sure I like the idea of Big Brother knowing that much about me.
GP: Well, if you don’t give us your address, how do you expect to get the President delivered to your house?
AP: I think maybe I’ll come pick it up after all. So I can use that $2-off coupon?
GP: Yes, you can. So that reduces your total to $499,999,999,998.
AP: And you do take credit cards, right?
GP: No! No more credit! No more deficits! No more debt! We expect you to pay in cash and in full, not leave the bill for your children and your children’s children.
AP: Never mind. Cancel my order. My temporary fascination with Herman Cain is over. Maybe I’ll give Rick Santorum a call.
GP: That’s fine with us. But you might want to Google him first to find out about one particular topping I don’t think you’ll like.
AP: Such awful choices this year …